Healthy weight, please!

It's almost midnight. I'm sitting here drinking my Odwalla Vitamin C, just ate a Chobani yogurt, and an Odwalla protein bar.

The hell am I doing to myself?! That protein bar tasted like cardboad with oats, the yogurt and juice both made me shudder ever so slightly (not enough to divert me from it for the next 6 days)

BUT!! It's all for a good cause.

Due to stress, a smidge of anxiety, life changes, etc etc. Aka, LIFE. I've lost a bit of weight. About 8lbs or so. And when you only weight 100lbs, that's a lot of weight. I guess I look "gaunt". And I don't want people to look at me and think "wow, what's wrong with her? She looks awful..."

Having said that, I know it's easy to go grab a box of zingers and a a Hungryman frozen dinner and scarf out, but that's not necessarily heart healthy. Empty carbs, hardly any vitamins etc.

Anyone who knows my mom, knows she was in the kitchen almost every night of my life, grinding wheat with a wheat grinder, using that to make whole wheat bread in the bread machine, every night. The woman once made pinto bean fudge, and made us eat 9 grain cereal. She was VERY health conscience due to a slightly scary family history with diabetes, strokes, etc. She wants to live as long as possible without issues, she knew all of her actions would grant her that in time. So far, other than some leg issues, she's doing pretty good for almost 54. She does try hard.

With that said, each night, I plan to consume some sort of dairy product. Today, I grabbed a non fat yogurt, meant to grab 1%, oops! Some sort of dairy product because I'm lacking calcium in my bones, my knees are that of a 63yr old woman on her way to osteoporosis. Drink some juice, and something packed with vitamins, and then hit the hay. Now, if I can re-learn to eat breakfast, lunch, AND dinner, it should only take a few days! Here's hoping! I've lost the pretty look in my face; mostly under my eyes making me loot like I'm skeletor.

Now, just to get someone else to do it with me!

Randoms

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My public apology..

I owe one person an explanation, and a GIANT apology. Granted, I've told him to to his face I was sorry many times, but I feel like that's not enough, as there are still current struggles.

A few days ago, (or earlier this week) I was feeling upset, discouraged and VERY VERY guilty. In regards to a note Leena had written. Out of pure guilt, instead of bucking up, being honest, and facing the truth. I opted to take the low road and hide the truth about some things I had said. Which, is deeply wrong and against everything I believe in as a human, a Mom, a friend, and a person.

What it all boils down to, I wasn't thinking clearly, I was consumed with guilt about what Leena had said. I wasn't using caution or thinking about ANYONE else's feelings. Not mine, not Leena's, not Jeff's. I was so worried about how it would make Leena feel towards me, I did whatever I could to rid myself of the pressure and guilt. Which is where I went wrong by not seeking counsel, guidance, or prayer for that matter. I bit the bullet and did something absolutely outlandish. I forced a few things on Jeff, in which he was NOT ok with it, at all. All to make myself not feel bad. I'm horribly embarrassed!! Mortified, and I wish I hadn't done any of it. Similar instances have happened before and I not once behaved in such a manner.

With that said, Brian, I'm so very sorry =( You have been nothing but a dream come true to me. You've done everything amazingly well, and right. Right by me, and you and little ones involved. I'm sorry I've been so selfish to not think of your feelings, or anyone else, but my own. This has been such a learning lesson, as it's filled with me guilt, grief, and shame. Please accept my apology and know that it was a guilted decision, and a selfish one. It never going to happen again, you have my word, let this be the promissory note. My life if an open book to you, in which I encourage you to read along with me, and help me write the remaining chapters. You've NEVER once, been anything less than #1. I'm so sorry if I made you feel otherwise =( Please, please, forgive me? You have my heart. Love you.