How I really feel about Inside Out.

Have you seen the Pixar film, Inside Out?

I was at Costco about 2 weeks ago. It had come out on DVD. I'd not seen it, but knew Leena had and enjoyed it. Putting faith in my teenage daughters opinion, I chucked it into my cart. Went on my merry way. Upon returning home, Leena goes, oh you got this?! It's sad, but still happy. I think you'll like it! I was like what?! Sad?! She goes shhh, just trust me mom!

Sigh. Ok.

Few days later for the single mom version of FHE which consists of me being exhausted, I let my kids pick a movie to watch while I try to stay awake. Landon was begging to watch it, as he hadn't seen it.

Here is what I can tell you. This movie hit me hard. Because it is Leena. She tries to be happy, but finds indifference with a perpetual state of sadness, sometimes joy takes over and she is fine. Other days, she is on her cloud, with tears flowing. Her genetic makeup consists of a lot of mental health challenges. I felt like the main character I was watching, was my own.

Here is what it taught me, and spoiler alert if you've not seen it! It taught me that her brain operates in a unique fashion. Half joy, but equivocal sadness at times too. I felt like I was watching the thoughts in her head. Bing Bong, the part where he says, take her to the moon for me. Had my eyes watering, and choked up. I just stared at Leena, and felt a little sigh of relief. I was sympathetically feeling what she battles on a regular basis. Granted we've found remedies that have helped her to a degree and usually she appears content. But that's how she is. Little yellow character in a green dress half the time, the other a blue sad mess.

If you have a teenager struggling or being moody, watch this movie. No joke. It made me see how my child feels. I've never been able to get sad people. Or people with depression, my brain cannot process that. Sorry. If anything I lose my patience because I offer a million suggestions, and there's a million reasons as to why not even one can be done.

There are days where I feel like bing bong, sitting in the dark trenches of forgotten memories of old, and wondering how do I get her out of this? I can't. She has to want to. Luckily she always does, so here's hoping she can get in her song powered rocket and blast off to a happy place.

My little heart

I meant to post this about a month ago, almost exactly. I did something on my Instagram, but I let an angered moment hit a delete button and it was long gone. I really should turn off electronics when mad. Lesson learned!

I a quick rush, I threw up my not so detailed Kauai trip from June.

So, here's a little more details about it. And, it helped a close friend kinda called me out too =P

I want to start off with something that was actually a milestone in my life, last month.

I've been with Brian the LONGEST of any guy or marriage of my life. That says something to me. And to my family.

I still remember what he was wearing the first time I saw him. (Gray RL sweater, black leather jacket, jeans, dark leather belt, black leather shoes) and how he was so polite. And giddy. It was really sweet.

Fast forward many years later I still GRIN when I see his truck pull up, and what's even sweeter is his happiness is mirroring mine.

Anytime I fall asleep next to him, he is holding my hand. Despite having conflicting work schedules, I still get upset if I go 2 days without seeing him Despite living less than 3 miles apart. We've built not only a foundation with each other, but with our kids too. We packed up all 3 of them and made it to Disneyland, where the kids had a blast! I know my kids still talk about it, and I have heard Logan rave about it as well.

We've had our ups and downs, just like everyone else. And every time, we managed to stick through it. There has been a few times, where I was so mad I though "I don't need this anymore", only to turn a song on the radio just to cry my eyes out because I knew that it was just the anger talking, and my logic and heart knew I still, and do need you. And I always will.

He is my heart, my soul, my rock, my soul mate, he has confidence in me that I sometimes lack in myself. He reminds me to have faith, when I get overwhelmed by life and it's hardships. We've been tough a lot, heartache, loss, stress, feeling alone. And he is the one person that when I'm upset by something, he comforts me in a kind and delicate way. He hold my chin, and tells me everything will be ok. And he kisses me and everything melts away my fears, my guilt, my insecurities, my pain. He is sweet and gentle, every hug is with a small sense of caution. He is sentimental. He smells my hair, as to put it on the record as a piece of comfort. And his smell is of comfort and essence of masculinity to me.

When we went on our most recent trip in June, we'd been to the same island 3 times. This time was more different. Not the ones prior were bad, but I think we were more in love, and more in sync with each other.
Every day when I would wake up, he would just stare at me and tell me how absolutely beautiful I was.

We laughed so hard we couldn't talk, or couldn't breathe. We watched sunsets almost nightly, I think we only missed one the week we were there. Most at Hanalei Beach, our little Breidi spot. We tried to give the local restaurant the benefit of a doubt, we will keep driving the hour south, haha. I love how you laughed and heard me even with a large snorkel in my mouth, not very close to you, when I had swam much further out, and there was a significant drop in the ocean temperature and you heard my scream and laughed. I loved watching you scale high rock walls, just to climb up on a cliff for a great photo opportunity. I love how we went swimming almost daily, one even in high gusty winds. Which, knocked me into the ocean floor and we just laughed because it was so unexpected and the end result was not cute at all, haha. I love how you hold my face in your hands when you want to tell me something important, how you drive cautiously because you think I'm your precious cargo and don't want to put me in a position of any form of danger. I loved all your chicken jokes, the fact you fell asleep on me on the flight home brought me comfort.

Even when we took photos with Jonathan, it was 100% us. We are always laughing and smiling. I am thrilled and want all of those because it shows how true to US that really is. Even he remarked on our chemistry! You still make me laugh, my heart still skips a beat when I haven't seen you in a few days and I see you smiling with a sense of contentment. I remember you watching get ready for photos and when I was done and turning off the light to the bathroom, you just stood there almost jaw dropped. Like I was the only female on this planet, and I was the focal point of attention for you.

Thank you for having so much fun with me. And reminding me that even being able to walk, to see what is even on this earth itself is a blessing. And I'm sorry for not appreciating that until now. I loved watching everything you did, whether it was something as simple as driving in bad rains, or, just getting ready or helping me cook. You had a smile EVERY time. No matter what we did. Thank you for putting up with me. I know I got too cold in the grocery store and I'm a whimp about sand on my feet, and for just embracing me and my weird qwerks the way they exist with everyone. I truly feel blessed beyond any word in the language I speak, that can express my love and devotion to you. I've loved you since the moment you kissed me, loved you now, and will love you even when I'm not on this amazing place called Earth anymore. Can't wait til you're mine forever honey B. You're my world. Thanks again for the absolute best time, I can't even describe how much fun I had. Love you.

Hawaii Trip '15

I've been neglectful of my little outlet.

Brian and I went to Kauai in end of May, early June.

We opted to stay in a little villa Brian has a deep love for now. It's just a newly renovated 2bd/2ba place. That way we kinda have our own spaces.

This time, we were like ok. "Let's stay local". Flying in, you fly in to the southern part of the island. We usually rent a car, head up towards Hanalei/Princeville and plan sporadic things while we are there that take a while to get to. The drive from South to North is an hour or more, pending where you stay. Some of it weaves you inland and coastal, so pending where you're at, you're looking at banyans or the ocean.

Ever since I started my job at L'oreal, my schedule changed. I don't sleep as much as I really should. So, the past year, Brian has been a sweetheart and the BEST sport of learning to deal with new silence in the car, haha. I usually fall asleep in the car anywhere we go over a half hour. It's kinda sad, but he knows I have mild insomnia, and have for years and with my crazy hours and before 4am rising each day, he's learned to do business calls or listen to the radio while I take my power naps. Having said that, thank you honey!!! I know you miss taking to me.

We got there first day, and we went to our little place, set stuff in. I think ate something fast, put on suits, and hit the beach. We'd agreed to do this on the way there. And, was one reason when I booked our flights, that I made sure we left early, and got there early so we could still have daylight. Nothing worse than being on a plane all day, and then you get there and it's bed time! Gah!

We hit up the grocery store that was just a half mile from our place, got some supplies for the week. Brian ALWAYS gets a boat load of local juice. And he drinks it like it's his fountain of youth. (Attention Aloha Maid, your next competition is him) Cracks me up. He will blow through a 6 pack like a redneck watching the Indy 500 on a Saturday in August, haha. And went on our way.

Because I don't want to do a play by play of every single thing we did, and not sadly, it's starting to get foggy. I will post photos!

One thing we didn't do this year, was Waimea Canyon. It's rather stunning and majestic, but we'd done it twice before. And each time, I got horrible altitude sickness. My little body just can't handle boats or extreme heights. However, I highly suggest it if you make it out to the Garden Isle.


We did take photos on Hanalei Beach, which we both love. If you've not seen the movie South Pacific, watch it first. It makes an appearance in that film a few times. We also went back a few other times just for swimming etc. It's not usually jam packed with people, but you can see others taking photos there. It's next to Bali Hai, which is pretty in itself and sets a mood if you will. That's always on our go to place!

Here is some links of place we went and thoroughly enjoyed:

Restaurants:
-Tidepools (tooks a huge nap on the way from photos to that place, it's down by Poipu)
http://kauai.hyatt.com/en/hotel/dining/Tidepools.html
-Hukilau Lanai
http://www.hukilaukauai.com/
Brian loves this place...

And this place had the BEST tacos, no joke!



Beaches:

Tunnels Beach

We discovered Anini on our last trip, that's a good one too.

Hanelei

Hikes:
Kalalau Trail, takes you along the extremely sharp Na Pali Coast


We had a blast, we roamed around, Brian got sunburned. I got hyper about making sure no sand ever stayed in my suit, haha. Like literally washing it after each use. We found new places we hadn't before, Brian got handed some produce from a local and it made his day =) We laughed so hard we were almost in tears, we took awesome photos (Here:)

And no, WE DID NOT GET MARRIED! Why would we ever go on vacation, and took what almost looked like wedding photos, and then come back not even engaed? *cough, Brian, cough*

Since 2014

In my previous post, I confess to not doing my blogging....which has always been therapeutic for me.

Since then, I left my job. Took a part time one, that was local in town. Which...I will say this. HARDEST 6ms of my life. Going from something full time, and an adapted income to part time, a huge pay decrease, and not very fulfilling. Scariest 6ms of my life, seriously. In hindsight I don't know how I did it. I honestly don't. I took a l=job last fall, as a contract to permanent employee, under the Clarisonic brand, which is owned by L'oreal. Because of where I live, commuting north is quite common since because of the military base down here, housing is less, so jobs can pay less. Go north where Boeing, Microsoft, Starbucks, Amazon, etc are all based. Housing in areas is easily in the millions and cost of living is higher, meaning higher pay. It's in their warranty department. We test peoples devices, some come back fine, and others are something we don't want to touch. We also replace thousands of devices a year, that are under warranty. I actually enjoy it because it's interesting to hear people RAVE about a product so much for one. Two, my hours allow me more time with my kids, three. I just got hired on as a permanent L'oreal employee, and have stellar benefits etc. We get discounts on whatever other company L'oreal owns. So I have Christmas and birthday presents picked out for my sisters. Haha. It's a long drive, and a lot of commitment on my end, but my no sleep and doing apparently well, has paid off.

Kids-

Leena is now 13.5 She's about 5'0" exactly, and will be surpassing me soon. She's in 7th grade and very proud of her 4.0 GPA. I am too! She tries so hard to make sure she's always doing good. She is kinda an overachiever and I saw this coming from her when she was about 5 or so. If you ever corrected her on her grammar, she would cry. And tell you, you were wrong, haha. She is BENT on going to Columbia University. She's wanting nothing less than an Ivy league school. I hope Eli helps out with that! She also is superior with her brother, she's taught him how to read better, write better, and they love to sit and do basic math with each other. (AHHH!! MATH!! YUCK!!) She's turning into a little lady, and it's definitely bittersweet. I miss coming home to her teaparties with all her stuffed animals, that she would individually name (IE: SuffPokeyMaxine) and dress to the nines, and be a saint and clean it all up with minimal help. My mom has always called her AngeLeena, and she's stood true to that divine name.

Landon is now 6.5 and in Kindergarten. He and Leenas schools share a parking lot, so on the days I do have to go back and forth, it's literally a crosswalk apart. Landon is in a mainstream class, with the occasional pull out for his Special Education. Having 2 kids at the opposite realms of education, is humbling. I have my daughter who can't learn enough, or fast enough, with straight A's, and my son who has autism, and finds large groups settings difficult to learn in, and can sometimes act out because of it. They're both different and I love them to inifinity because of that. He started off in September having difficulty even holding a pencil to write his name. Now, I see "Landon" on everything. And sometimes, he write "Landon 10" on things as well. (he was the 10th kid in his preschool, and 10 was his assigned number last year) He is OBSESSED with the color yellow. And always has loved cars and trains. And ever since we had to re-home our kitten, Meeka about 15ms ago, he's got a deep love for cats.

Landon is a riot. The Ellie Goulding song "Love me like you do", came on. And he was back in his car seat singing "love me like a dude! touch me like a dude!" we quickly corrected him hahaha.

I love my kids.

Because I suffer from love/hate of social media.

My little blog has been neglected for almost a year.

I'm on an off facebook. And here's why. I haven't ever called myself "old school", or "old fashioned".

But, there's something more valuable about someone calling me on my birthday, to say hello, vs typing and posting something on a website, that you're hoping they see.

There's something to be said about seeing 213 friends on your so called "friends" page, and you only have 30 of their numbers.

There's that horrible day you had a work, your crying and sad over something that's bugging you, and you feel like you can't reach out to anyone of those people; in fear of what it may portray on your part, or just be downright awkward. Even the long lost family members that "like" all your photos, or leave sweet comments.

I guess, I value in the flesh, or the effort made.

As a kid, I would write my aunts and uncles hand written letters. And you know what, they were always so touched that they always responded. They always told my mom, Heidi is so sweet! She tries so hard to keep in touch with everyone!

Until now, the calls on my birthday are from my boyfriend and parents. Everyone else sends a text. Which, isn't unnoticed, but calling will make me grin a massive smile, and it means more than something I can press "delete" on.

Long story short, I've not ever been homecoming queen, or been one to have flash mobs of friends. But, the ones that I do have, I want to maintain, and feel as if it's still a mutual care.

I feel when I post something on social media, if it's not earth shattering, no one gives a hoot. (unless you pollute!)

I know the people I can call crying, and they'll talk to me. But, prior to me calling, who's putting in the effort? Why is it ME always have to reach out to OTHER people? I thought we all wondered how so and so was doing? Or have that nagging feeling of, I should really call them. Is that just me, or are people so busy with families now, that friends are obsolete?

I'm 33, and when I log into that site, never have I felt so alone in my life. I cannot grasp how we run to a site to publish everything, vs calling the kids we used to spends hours with, and telling them first? I miss the devotion and loyalty of the true meaning of friendship. I haven't had a best friend in ages. I have a small handful of close ones, but I don't think I'd label even one a best.

And to me, that's heartbreaking.

Also, on the realm of phones and human contact: this is so true.

Can bet half the readers of this entry, won't watch that. Please, do.