Mangled, tangled.

The female gender, as a whole, has this sick urge to know certain things out of being territorial and for protection of either themselves, their children, or others.

As I sat here last night, enjoying my time with my son and daughter, and Jeff...I noticed he was using my laptop to charge his new iPhone. I also noticed it was being blown up, unbeknownst to him as it was on silent, and he was in an intense game of Mario Kart on Wii. I saw a text come in, and this is where I did something very, very, dumb. He's picked up my phone and flipped through it many, many times. Perhaps this is something that neither of us should continue doing. Obviously because of what I'm about to say. I picked up his phone, and read away. I saw a picture, wasn't bad, was sweet actually, but because of what it said, cut my heart out, threw it on the floor, and was trampled by a stampede of raging bulls. My brain went into overdrive because someone I cared about, had gone to an effort to lie to me. Either out of fear, or protection, either way, I knew the truth and was a beast that needed taming. He has someone new, and I don't know WHY I got mad, I just did. No lingering feels or anything, I just was enraged. I think it's because in a girls mind, that's the official marking of us no longer being their #1 when in this case, I was/have been for the past 4yrs. Which in it's own way, stings a ton, regardless of the status of the relationship, you feel like you've been replaced. Even though I know this isn't true because Jeff and I have raised 2 kids together the past 4yrs, one being OUR child WE had together. I got the details I never wanted to hear, in hopes it would give me some form of closure.


FAIL.

Gave me freakin', mental images if anything. UGH. So after having a mini meltdown of feeling like I was 100% responsible of everything going on in my life, even with all the Jeff stuff, which I know it 2 was streets, I still took 100% responsibility, the weight of the world was bearing it's full force on my little shoulders. I sat on the edge of the TV stand, and cried, and cried, and cried more. I mumbled to Jeff, I needed a hug, he was quick to respond.

Is closure really that, or is it torment that you're not longer as important to someone as you used to be? I'm struggling with this. Until, I came across this today, it's literally from a site called iwantclosure.com that's designed for someone like me in mental turmoil of how to go about things next, without stepping on toes, or continue being hurt. This allllll made too much sense:

Relationship Closure
November 6, 2011
Relationship closure seems to be the one thing, at the end of a relationship, that many people simply can not get. First, what kind of closure are you actually looking to get? Can someone else give you the relationship closure you are seeking?
In a perfect world, or on television, two grown adults with get together and have a talk about why their relationship has come to an end, and each would leaving feeling they got closure on that relationship. They can now move on with their lives, leaving the baggage behind and leaving nothing left unsaid. In real life, however, this rarely ever happens. If two people do get together, they are both not necessarily 100% honest.
Since it is rare for both parties to reach an agreement that the relationship should end at the same time, one may be showing up in an effort to convince the other to give it another try. They may feel that by getting together they may stir up old feelings, and that if the other person did not care for them still they wouldn’t have agreed to meet in the first place. The person wanting the relationship to end already has closure.
They don’t need this meeting, they agreed to it for the other persons’ sake, and probably do not even want to be there. See how this conversation is not going to end well? The person that does not have closure wants answers and explanations, while it is up to the other if they give them or not. it is also up to them to be truthful. They may not want to hurt the other person’s feelings so they may leave things out or not admit to them. They may, because they already have closure, feel defensive and shut down. The person seeking closure then gets frustrated because they are not getting the whole story, or simply believe they are not. Add those two together and you have a recipe for an argument, name calling, and even possibly a scene.
So that may not be the best way to get relationship closure. So how do you do it? And why do you need it from them?
Ask yourself some questions. Other than rekindling your relationship, what could they say or do to give you closure. You may say “a good reason”. Well is there a reason you think is good enough for ending your relationship? Is there a reason you will accept? If the answer is no, then the other person can not give you relationship closure. So we will ask you again, what can the other person give you so you can have closure for your relationship? You want to get things off your chest and have them listen to you? Well, then send them a letter. As soon as you send the letter off you should have your closure. Unless of course you want to see their face and their reaction. What that means is you want to see a reaction, an emotional one. Why?
For them to hurt the way they hurt you? That won’t give you closure. That is revenge. Period.
So what is next? What can the other person do/say/whatever to give you closure? We believe you get it from yourself. You give yourself closure. You choose to close the door on that relationship for good and move on.

Sad to say, but this is EXACTLY how it is, Jeff's sooo over it and sick of me bringing things up in my moments of 100% guilt and blame. It's not that I'm stuck on it and dwelling, but my kids will say/do things that make the whole things just sting and make me feel like a horrible Mother.

Here it goes, I'll go write an email, probably not send it, take a hammer to some nails, and go run a mile, and I think that will be my final cure. Or so I hope.