One year later...

I think I've passed one of the biggest tests of my lifetime: losing a grandparent, and mourning within reason.

A year ago, on May 15th, he passed very suddenly, and with family at his side.

This has been a very cherished year of many reflections, millions of tears, many times of fighting off tears. Many silent "breathe Heidi, breathe" moments. I firmly think each one of those made me a tad stronger with him.

About a month ago, I found a very sweet photo of my grandpa and my family. In a text, I sent it to my younger sister, Hillary. Her response was anything but what I was anticipating. She came across upset at me that I had sent her something that held dear value and was a wonderful memory of someone we both loved and adored. Her frustration literally baffled me. To the point that I had no response, as the one response I wanted to say, was fuel on a fire. I opted to be a mute, and not reply.

About a week later, I was at the park with Landon, Miri (the little 2yrs old girl I watch 4xs a week). Watching the kids play cutely together when my phone rang, it was Hillary. She said "Hey! I wanted to talk to you about my text I sent last week. You never got back to me"....I said "I chose to let the situation be. I personally thought you were a little rough and snide about the photo I sent of Grandpa". *Cricket cricket* I continued, "I look at that as memorializing a man who loved us, who was a friend, a wonderful grandfather, and it's OK to talk about him. It's OK to look at photos, separation is temporary, difficult but never permanent. REMEMBER how great he was, and STILL is! You're celebrating his life, and choosing to do so in a good way by looking at such things!" She got quiet....and said in a soft tone "This has been REALLY hard on me. (He was our first out of 4 to pass) more than I ever expected"...I said "Me too, trust me, me too." She seemed to be saddened. We hung up.

I sat there and Brian (he was on his way to a project out past my house and just made a pit stop to say hi while I was at the park) overheard the conversation as I was on the playground patrolling two toddlers. About 15mn went by. Heard my phone ring again, it was Hillary, again. I answered and she goes "you just changed my WHOLE aspect on everything about grandpa!" I said, "how so?" She seemed slightly excited and relieved all at once. She goes "you're SO SO SO right, it's ok to be sad, but it's also ok to laugh and tell stories, and to memorialize in a positive way. I've just focused on being so upset and sad over this, I was blinded by all of it and didn't think about making it into a celebration of life like you had suggested. THANK YOU SOOO MUCH! You put me in my place, and I really really needed to hear that". I was stunned. I was also quick to say, hey thanks!

Truth be told, the whole thing took me by surprise, and at many times it seem so surreal; I do only have 3 grandparents remaining. My whole life I've had 4 until the past year. I know this will dwindle with time, and some day my parents. But I think this was a training course. I've heard from many the the first one to pass, is the most difficult, unless anticipated otherwise.

Long story short, I was just as upset about it as Hillary was. I STILL remember watching my Aunt Barbara leading the closing Hymn at his awesome funeral. The song was "God be with you til we meet again". I think I about had a full on meltdown, I'd look at her, and then my Grandpas magnificent casket, which was literally in front of me. She stood no more than 10ft in front of me, saw my tears in my face, she stopped singing, put her head down,her eyes swelled up with tears, and she bit her lip, and essentially cried with me from a small distance. (she later said, "I saw Heidi crying in front of me, and it made me so sad that I cried.") I will never forget that. It's a sad memory to be frank. But, at the same time, the whole experience was a good one. I don't know how many people can call a funeral a good experience. I know I can, because of the person it was remembering, the people in which were there that day, that came out to help my Grandma, who had just buried her husband of the past 30+yrs. I was impressed at her composure. The woman was strong! That cannot be an easy thing, to bury your husband. But she managed to enjoy all of her grandchildren who were present, great grandchildren, bonus children, and children. (Bonus is my nice word for Step children. Step sounds so unloved to me)and just was glowing. It takes a special person, who keep their light going, in a life trial, per se. I admire her even more, she's kept in better touch, she writes me letters, she send my kids Christmas money, and she calls me. I have a better relationship with her now, and I LOVE it. To me she's always been nothing but kind and loving to me. I really do love her. I applaud the positive changes it has had on her life. I feel sorrow that she's lonely, and that she so dearly misses my Grandpa. I miss him too. But the upside, temporary is a wonderful thing.