The spirit within

I think today has been craptastic. SO much crap, it's bound to be fantastic, because with that much crap, something of some good value, can be found in it, right?

Right!

Despite my "Sheety" day, I'm going to wipe off my sour expression, and try being positive. No one likes someone who looks like they're constantly sucking on a lemon. Granted, the mental visual in my head did make me giggle a tad!

I'm going to try to do something.

I was in my closet the other day, and years ago. I'd bought a book called "If I knew"...

It states: "If I knew was today was going to be your last, I'd spend every minute with you, recreating the best moments, and savoring what we have". Sweet things like that.

I try to lift and build. It's been drilled into me my entire life. You lift people up, to build them as a whole. You build them as a whole, because you should NEVER tear someone down. The only things that should be torn down, are old buildings and ruins. Not people.

As humans, we need things to make us feel good. Some use drugs, alcohol, their choice of whatever. But my personal preferences are: Hugs, compliments, cards, phone calls, kisses, human contact mainly, a joke, a high five, a smile, and even a small laugh from a child who's just being friendly, can all bring smiles to our faces. Particularly mine. My little Landon will come up to me, climb on my lap, and tell me "iss ok Momma. I wup yoo." and plant a wet kiss on my cheek. He's my little happy meter, always shoots it through the roof.

Rose shaded glasses are off, no more blinders or discoloring of the important and the meaningful.

We all have too much to be happy about, and yet so much of it goes unnoticed, unvalidated, unmentioned, or even worse....unappreciated.

Don't just appreciate the beauty of the earth, appreciate the beauty of the heart, and of your spirit, and what it *CAN* do for you. It can make you happy, feel free, feel loved. As long as that's what you want, and your mind is in a healthy spot. With so many ugly things in this world, it really IS a beautiful thing, to sit at home, and watch your kids play together, and laugh and smile for what seems like too short of time. It's watching sunsets with your favorite people. It's eating a good dinner with your best friend. It's going for a walk on a nice sunny day, and leaving your thoughts with everything you pass. Find the time to make your spirit, happy. And not just in a religious sense. Any day that has your slightly ruffled, find something that can warm your heart and soul, that makes you cry happy tears, or makes you laug or smile. When your spirit is happy, WE have joy.

Social Media, slightly overrated.

I deactivated my FB account.

Slightly liberating. It shows who really wants to be in touch, and who really don't have the time or care. To put it bluntly.

I haven't touched it in a week, and it's quite nice. I felt obligated to go on there and reply back to messages people had sent.

If anything, it made me realize how often I need to pick up the phone to say hi to people. We all did it before the MySpace days, the FB days, and way before twitter was ever a thought in someones head. It's not hard to write a letter. It's not hard to leave a voicemail, it's not hard to hit send on a voicemail. We live in such a digital and fast paced world, not one TRULY makes dedicated time for each other.

THAT IS SO SAD. WE get texts about people's life events, or even worse, a freakin' newsfeed.

The interesting part is, I made it public on my FB of my decision....and all the whiners, even after I put my # up, NO ONE contacted me outside of it. It showed how many of them were either too busy, or not interested. I'd hope if they weren't truly interested in my friendship, delete me. Gosh, it literally takes a mouse click.

All in all, I don't miss it. I've enjoyed the silence, the no drama. The no need to think "oh crap, I HAVE to write that person back". Nope. I can pick up my phone, call who I want, typically when I want. It's a nice feeling to not be tied to so many stupid political posts, people's complaints, retarded opinionated photos, and negative status updates. It's like I've gone through a media detox.

I highly recommend one.

Honey B!

Brian and I tend to be sappy people. Seriously. It's funny/cute/revolting to others.

One of our nicknames is a slight deviation of his initials. "HB" is Hecker, Brian....or. Honey Bee!

Anyway, here's some "HB" pics from our roadtrip =)

The definition of "True Love"

As per Urban Dictionary:

2. true love
Love. Love is the greatest gift God ever gave man. Love is not wanting to go anywhere without her. Love is not caring what other people think about the two of you. Love is when you feel depressed and sickly when you're not with her. You feel like your life has no meaning or purpose without her. And that if she wasn't holding your hand you would float away to heaven from where she came. Love is caring for her physically and emotionally. It's telling her everyday, anytime, anywhere, anyhow, for no just reason that you love her. Love is telling her u want to spend the rest of your life with her. Love is wanting to marry her even tho ya'll haven't been dating that long. That you would do anything and everything for her. It's the feeling that you would give up everything just to see her smile or look into her beautiful eyes or hear her soft, soothing voice. Love is pure happiness. Love is the feeling you get when all you have to do is think of her and it brings a smile to your face and a yourning to your heart. Love is not being able to think about nething but her. Love is having the sweetest dreams about her and waking up with a smile on ur face. Love is an overwelming feeling of pure bliss when the 2 of u kiss. Love is wanting to hold her in ur arms till the end of time. Love is wishing ur time with her never ends, that your lips would be locked together forever, that she'd be in ur arms till the end of time, that u could cuddle with her for all of eternity. Love is being helplessy and deeply in love with her and knowing your love for her and your feelings for her will never change/end. Love is the world, the world is love, and she is the world to me...

I have witnessed this definition to the T.

My Grandpa turned 90 in July, Grandma turns 90 next month. She now has Alzheimer's. Which honestly did break my heart hearing it. We noticed it starting to set in a few years ago. But just within the past 2 months, she really has plummeted upon a fall and breaking her shoulder. Bless her heart she tries hard to remember, but it's only so helpful.

Let's start at the very beginning...(a very good place, to start, ha!)

Brian's family is somewhat scattered around the country. Some are in Missouri, some in Seattle, some in California etc. He got an invite to go to his Uncle's in Monterey for Oktoberfest, as his family is German. We didn't have much free time as the others did, but we opted to go, and have some fun and get away from the chaos of the world and the thralls of what single parenting is for the 2 of us. We drove 21hrs (after meeting up with his parents in S. Oregon, making some stops. without stops it was 15hrs) and made it to his Uncle Mike's. We had a blast with his family, who were all hospitable, loving, kind and all immensely welcoming. All such big heart and loving people, Brian has a fantastic family, and I'm so grateful he realizes is! We hit up the beach, and soaked up the noise of waves in which we are depleted of in the NW. We drove back N bound on I-5 and let my grandparents know the night prior, we'd be making a pit stop to see them.
When I had called the night prior, my grandmother answered, and thought I was my brother. I had to tell her many times, "It's HEIDI, Grandma....not Cody." She didn't seem to understand. Broke my heart. It was a little thing, but it's so incredibly hard to watch someone literally deteriorate. I had watery eyes. My grandmother as I once knew, 5yrs ago, was now a VERY different woman. Same body, same heart, still the love of Christ that's as big as a bonfire, but her words and manners have just changed drastically. Grandpa got on the phone and said "Sweet Heidi, we love you so much. But your grandmother is doing more poorly now that she ever has. When you get here, I will tell you". This totally sank my heart. I don't do well with family members getting ill, or passing for that matter.
We drove the 3-4hrs from Monterey to Placerville, and the minute we pulled up, my Grandpa Willard came out of the house to greet us with hugs and handshakes. He held my face and said "Your Grandma has now developed Alzheimer's. There is nothing we can do. She's past the point that we can 'train' her. We can just tell her over and over again of what she's said, and that's it. So please utilize love and patience with her, she will tell you the same things, over and over again. I took a deep sigh, hugged that amazing old man like no tomorrow, having lost one grandpa has really made me look at my family and realize how vitally important they are to me. We walked in, and Brian and Grandpa just HIT it off! My Grandpa loves houses, he's built many with his own 2 hands, and that's what Brian does for his living. He builds houses, and does a spectacular job, really. All his houses are gorgeous. My Grandpa just beamed and they talked and talked. Made my heart sing because I haven't brought any man around my extended family in about 11yrs, as I'm very selective about it, because it's SO special to me that I use caution. I was helping my grandma with some phone #'s she didn't have, and wanted. During that time, she asked me 3 times within 45 seconds, how much I weighed, and how old my kids were. Her 90th birthday party was 2ms ago, in which she saw me and was thrilled to see me. She said "I had my birthday party a few months ago". I said "I know! I was here for it!" she looked so confused. She said "You were? I don't remember you being here?" I go "Oh, I came up from Seattle, remember Grandma? I stayed downstairs with my kids, Leena and Landon?" 'Oh, I'm sorry honey, I don't remember you being here at all'. My heart sank. This really is as bad as grandpa said. She also told a lighter variation of the story of how my mom survived hepatitis when she was born, which my mother was labeled "The Miracle Baby" because so many Dr's had told my grandma she would be born dead. In short, she was a unknown medical miracle. Especially for the late 50's.
We walked around while my Grandpa gave Brian a tour. I loved seeing Brian's eyes twinkle and glow with appreciation and new found love and respect for such people I love and dearly adore, and hold dear to my heart. It's not just them that I hold dear, it's the house, the surroundings, the memories that he was all getting to piece together.It was now special to him also, because the love I have of that place.
As we stood under a 2nd covered driveway they have under the deck upstairs, my Grandpa talked about the giant ponderosa pines that are all over his 15 acres his lot sits on. He said they bloom red fruit and the robins go crazy and eat all of them. ANd he said "not to be crude, and my apolgies in advance, but these Robins eat all the fruit and they just shit all over the place" HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. He is 90, and totally just swore in front of us, I've rarely heard him do that. We laughed so hard! Brian even gave him a high five, I was going to do that but he beat me to it. He still has his sense of humor.
We made the trek home, and got home around 1am. We are both exhausted, tired, but realize the sacrifice wasn't just a sacrifice, it was NEEDED. We needed to see family, we needed to make those memories with those people. I will never regret that trip, though 36hrs of it, was spent in a moving vehicle. I had my best friend and soul mate in tow, I got to spend awesome time with his parents, who I now just adore for their humor, love and constant show of appreciation and love for those around them. We BOTH are so blessed with family that is truly heaven sent!
The biggest thing I learned, was what true love was. My grandpa has never criticized my grandma. He really has earned his gold start to get into heaven. He adores his wife, he will say things "my poor sweetheart has aged, and she can't remember. Please, just know how much she loves you." he speaks with his heart, and I pray to god, I am just like him when I'm in that boat, at his age, or even maybe beyond. HE is what keeps my grandma going, HE is selfless. HE is the one who loves her regardless. He holds her hand, still kisses her, helps her, aids her, literally is her rock. And they're 90. That, is enduring to the end, and 10000%, true and eternal love.

The good life

I think my brain is already past tired to blog about every detail. So, here's the "I'm lazy, have a shorter version"!

I packed up Landon and 3-4 days worth of outfits, sunblock (cause we true whiteys BURN up here in the PNW) and headed south for a surprise birthday party/family reunion for my grandparents 90th birthday. Part of me was sad because my grandmother, minus the past 3-4yrs, has been sharp. But, with age comes illness, dementia, etc. She's not the same, and her time will be due up soon. I pulled into good old Placerville (after a short 12hr drive from Puyallup) on a Thursday, it was boiling. I seriously was going to melt at the unfavorably brutal 106 degrees it was that day. I got Landon and I some cold drinks, and parked us in the home in which I have so many fond and warm memories of. The decor is still the same, everything in place, hardly touched as grandchildren who once lives down the curvy road, now live in the suburbs of Sacramento and beyond.


I stared at the photo of my great grandparents on the wall, their smiles still radiating their love and joy in which they always exuded to me and made so obvious to others in their time. I walked around, showing Landon all the now antique toys, still in great condition for any child to love, generation after generation. He was in heaven, there were blocks.

Hillary, Cody and Katie (his wife) were there along with my parents, Uriah (nephew) and Leena. The grandkids loves playing together, it was so sweet to see all of them getting along, just how I did with my cousins when I was a kid.

We went into old gold country and let the kids wade the american river, and feed the manipulate Canada geese, Landon would pick off unripe blackberries, dart them into the water and he thought that was GREAT.

My grandparents are on about 14 acres, just their parcel alone. It's a large place. To them, it's heaven. Grandpa built a playcenter for the grand kids vs a large yard. It's covered in ponderosa pines, and their needles over the decades. There is a 20ft long slide, gliders, a tire swing, swing, a rope swing, and a separate tiny swing set for the babies. They spared no expense and wanted to have their grand kids, truly LOVE going there. There is not one of us grand kids, great-grand kids, who didn't love their home. Mission accomplished! My kids LOVED it. Landon will do anything to go down a slide, and he really was in heaven and did not care how hot it was, he was going down. And thus he did, multiple times!

Saturday was the reunion. People had flown in, driven hours, and even days to be there. We hadn't told either grandparent about it as not to stress them out in their age. We were late, so I missed their reaction to everyone being there, but I was swarmed by old faced, tons of smiles, and a million hello's. I hadn't seen about 90% of my cousins in about 10yrs. Way too long. One, I hadn't seen in about 15-16yrs, my cousin Brandon. It's so funny, he looked the same, just more taller and beefy than the last time I saw him. I remember the visits he made to my home when we were kids, and those are cherished, as we're close in age, we got to catch up and wish each other well in our life endeavors with our families.

I'm home, I'm SOOOO glad I went, proves again, familes really are forever. And I had 2 of the most loyal, dedicated people, who taught my mother the best they could,and she's passed that onto me.

In avoidance of, "Whoa is me".

I'm kinda upset..every year, my birthday rolls around. The sun is out, weather is warm, perfect for a picnic, day at the beach, night on the town, all that fun summer stuff.

But, I'm noticing. The last 7yrs, have been AWFUL for my b-day. All I've wanted is family and close friends, and it seems like everyone either ignores it or bails on the plan. Or, gives me an excuse.

I get life happens, I get people have jobs, I get people have families, summer vacations etc. But when I call you a MONTH prior, if not even earlier than that, is it that hard to try to maybe say yes, for once? Or at least TRY to find a sitter, for an hour? Or instead of sending me a message on Facebook, to CALL? No. Hitting "send" is a really hard task. So hard that even my 89yr old grandmother STILL calls me and sings me happy birthday!

This year is even more depressing as I have ONE...ONE sibling here now. We all moved here in '97, I NEVER wanted to live in this friggin' state, and now I'm stuck here cause kids and military. So, with having one sibling who has a horrible memory for dates/times on things, and all my friends not being able to go, despite me mentioning it a long while ago...kinda irkes me.

I swear I usually am not this petty. But I moved to a place with next to NO friends, (where I don't even feel comfortable asking ward members to watch my kids because I feel I'm burdening them regardless of how much they try to assure me I'm not, I FEEL like I am) I work full time, I never go out, this is the one time I can, and want to, and of course, again, everyone isn't able to.

URRRRRRRRRGH!!


Hey, they sell hard alcohol in stores now, if I was a drinker, I would've just done that for my big 3-1. Get sloshed, go to bed. Just like Charlie Sheen, WINNING.

I should clarify. Last year was NOT awful. The throwing up part was. But the person who had me in mind and tried very hard to make me happy, was very sweet and I'm forever grateful. I just wish I had a crystal ball to have known I'd get violently sea sick.

One year later...

I think I've passed one of the biggest tests of my lifetime: losing a grandparent, and mourning within reason.

A year ago, on May 15th, he passed very suddenly, and with family at his side.

This has been a very cherished year of many reflections, millions of tears, many times of fighting off tears. Many silent "breathe Heidi, breathe" moments. I firmly think each one of those made me a tad stronger with him.

About a month ago, I found a very sweet photo of my grandpa and my family. In a text, I sent it to my younger sister, Hillary. Her response was anything but what I was anticipating. She came across upset at me that I had sent her something that held dear value and was a wonderful memory of someone we both loved and adored. Her frustration literally baffled me. To the point that I had no response, as the one response I wanted to say, was fuel on a fire. I opted to be a mute, and not reply.

About a week later, I was at the park with Landon, Miri (the little 2yrs old girl I watch 4xs a week). Watching the kids play cutely together when my phone rang, it was Hillary. She said "Hey! I wanted to talk to you about my text I sent last week. You never got back to me"....I said "I chose to let the situation be. I personally thought you were a little rough and snide about the photo I sent of Grandpa". *Cricket cricket* I continued, "I look at that as memorializing a man who loved us, who was a friend, a wonderful grandfather, and it's OK to talk about him. It's OK to look at photos, separation is temporary, difficult but never permanent. REMEMBER how great he was, and STILL is! You're celebrating his life, and choosing to do so in a good way by looking at such things!" She got quiet....and said in a soft tone "This has been REALLY hard on me. (He was our first out of 4 to pass) more than I ever expected"...I said "Me too, trust me, me too." She seemed to be saddened. We hung up.

I sat there and Brian (he was on his way to a project out past my house and just made a pit stop to say hi while I was at the park) overheard the conversation as I was on the playground patrolling two toddlers. About 15mn went by. Heard my phone ring again, it was Hillary, again. I answered and she goes "you just changed my WHOLE aspect on everything about grandpa!" I said, "how so?" She seemed slightly excited and relieved all at once. She goes "you're SO SO SO right, it's ok to be sad, but it's also ok to laugh and tell stories, and to memorialize in a positive way. I've just focused on being so upset and sad over this, I was blinded by all of it and didn't think about making it into a celebration of life like you had suggested. THANK YOU SOOO MUCH! You put me in my place, and I really really needed to hear that". I was stunned. I was also quick to say, hey thanks!

Truth be told, the whole thing took me by surprise, and at many times it seem so surreal; I do only have 3 grandparents remaining. My whole life I've had 4 until the past year. I know this will dwindle with time, and some day my parents. But I think this was a training course. I've heard from many the the first one to pass, is the most difficult, unless anticipated otherwise.

Long story short, I was just as upset about it as Hillary was. I STILL remember watching my Aunt Barbara leading the closing Hymn at his awesome funeral. The song was "God be with you til we meet again". I think I about had a full on meltdown, I'd look at her, and then my Grandpas magnificent casket, which was literally in front of me. She stood no more than 10ft in front of me, saw my tears in my face, she stopped singing, put her head down,her eyes swelled up with tears, and she bit her lip, and essentially cried with me from a small distance. (she later said, "I saw Heidi crying in front of me, and it made me so sad that I cried.") I will never forget that. It's a sad memory to be frank. But, at the same time, the whole experience was a good one. I don't know how many people can call a funeral a good experience. I know I can, because of the person it was remembering, the people in which were there that day, that came out to help my Grandma, who had just buried her husband of the past 30+yrs. I was impressed at her composure. The woman was strong! That cannot be an easy thing, to bury your husband. But she managed to enjoy all of her grandchildren who were present, great grandchildren, bonus children, and children. (Bonus is my nice word for Step children. Step sounds so unloved to me)and just was glowing. It takes a special person, who keep their light going, in a life trial, per se. I admire her even more, she's kept in better touch, she writes me letters, she send my kids Christmas money, and she calls me. I have a better relationship with her now, and I LOVE it. To me she's always been nothing but kind and loving to me. I really do love her. I applaud the positive changes it has had on her life. I feel sorrow that she's lonely, and that she so dearly misses my Grandpa. I miss him too. But the upside, temporary is a wonderful thing.