Healthy weight, please!

It's almost midnight. I'm sitting here drinking my Odwalla Vitamin C, just ate a Chobani yogurt, and an Odwalla protein bar.

The hell am I doing to myself?! That protein bar tasted like cardboad with oats, the yogurt and juice both made me shudder ever so slightly (not enough to divert me from it for the next 6 days)

BUT!! It's all for a good cause.

Due to stress, a smidge of anxiety, life changes, etc etc. Aka, LIFE. I've lost a bit of weight. About 8lbs or so. And when you only weight 100lbs, that's a lot of weight. I guess I look "gaunt". And I don't want people to look at me and think "wow, what's wrong with her? She looks awful..."

Having said that, I know it's easy to go grab a box of zingers and a a Hungryman frozen dinner and scarf out, but that's not necessarily heart healthy. Empty carbs, hardly any vitamins etc.

Anyone who knows my mom, knows she was in the kitchen almost every night of my life, grinding wheat with a wheat grinder, using that to make whole wheat bread in the bread machine, every night. The woman once made pinto bean fudge, and made us eat 9 grain cereal. She was VERY health conscience due to a slightly scary family history with diabetes, strokes, etc. She wants to live as long as possible without issues, she knew all of her actions would grant her that in time. So far, other than some leg issues, she's doing pretty good for almost 54. She does try hard.

With that said, each night, I plan to consume some sort of dairy product. Today, I grabbed a non fat yogurt, meant to grab 1%, oops! Some sort of dairy product because I'm lacking calcium in my bones, my knees are that of a 63yr old woman on her way to osteoporosis. Drink some juice, and something packed with vitamins, and then hit the hay. Now, if I can re-learn to eat breakfast, lunch, AND dinner, it should only take a few days! Here's hoping! I've lost the pretty look in my face; mostly under my eyes making me loot like I'm skeletor.

Now, just to get someone else to do it with me!

Randoms

Random photos

My public apology..

I owe one person an explanation, and a GIANT apology. Granted, I've told him to to his face I was sorry many times, but I feel like that's not enough, as there are still current struggles.

A few days ago, (or earlier this week) I was feeling upset, discouraged and VERY VERY guilty. In regards to a note Leena had written. Out of pure guilt, instead of bucking up, being honest, and facing the truth. I opted to take the low road and hide the truth about some things I had said. Which, is deeply wrong and against everything I believe in as a human, a Mom, a friend, and a person.

What it all boils down to, I wasn't thinking clearly, I was consumed with guilt about what Leena had said. I wasn't using caution or thinking about ANYONE else's feelings. Not mine, not Leena's, not Jeff's. I was so worried about how it would make Leena feel towards me, I did whatever I could to rid myself of the pressure and guilt. Which is where I went wrong by not seeking counsel, guidance, or prayer for that matter. I bit the bullet and did something absolutely outlandish. I forced a few things on Jeff, in which he was NOT ok with it, at all. All to make myself not feel bad. I'm horribly embarrassed!! Mortified, and I wish I hadn't done any of it. Similar instances have happened before and I not once behaved in such a manner.

With that said, Brian, I'm so very sorry =( You have been nothing but a dream come true to me. You've done everything amazingly well, and right. Right by me, and you and little ones involved. I'm sorry I've been so selfish to not think of your feelings, or anyone else, but my own. This has been such a learning lesson, as it's filled with me guilt, grief, and shame. Please accept my apology and know that it was a guilted decision, and a selfish one. It never going to happen again, you have my word, let this be the promissory note. My life if an open book to you, in which I encourage you to read along with me, and help me write the remaining chapters. You've NEVER once, been anything less than #1. I'm so sorry if I made you feel otherwise =( Please, please, forgive me? You have my heart. Love you.

WOOP!

Hmm. New song, new anthem, new year, cheers!

Almost done...

I'm so drained emotionally, physically, whew.

We went to mediation yesterday, agreed on our terms, signed our lives away, literally, and went home.

What we agreed to:
-I pay for the mortgage starting June 1.
-Jeff starts paying Child Support that same day, which helps drastically with the mortgage, it's a trade off.
-We will keep *BOTH* names on the deed of the house, until I'm done with school in over a year, then can re-fi to my name only.
-Every summer, if Jeff is even around, he gets the kids for one week at a time, for the first 18ms, then it goes to 2.
-Christmas break I get them the first half, and then we trade, and he's to get Landon at 2pm on Christmas Day (I usually don't have Leena so this made that decision fairly easy)
-Every birthday of their, we spend together
-Mothers Day, My birthday, I get them.
-Fathers Day, Jeff's birthday, he gets them.

We spent 2.5hrs in an office in Tacoma with a Family Law attorney, she said we were the easiest people she's ever had, EVER. The only thing we had to discuss the night prior was who was to occupy the house and pay for it.

This has been a hell ridden ride for the past 14ms, things are finally going through the courts and will be final soon, it's really been tolling on both Jeff and I. All good things come to an end, particularly this one.

Cleaning out my closet

A few disturbing things have surfaced in my life, not life altering, but maybe a step or two down from it, my perception of a certain person I thought I knew, inside and out, is 100% skewed. A few things came out of Jeff's closet, I had minimal knowledge of, and it's driven us apart, to the point that I'm about to take legal action. Which, is sad because I never wanted it to be that way. I thought we'd always be happy, fun loving, co-parents and life would be OK doing that. Not after the new stuff. I obviously won't say what it is because it's between he and I, the only other person that knows is a best friend and my little sister, Hillary.

Merry Christmas to me, ugh.

Thanksgiving!

Well, we had our Thanksgiving, just our little family this year, was kinda nice! It was the 4 of us. Probably the last one where it's just us...but. Oh well. Was still fun. I opted to not go for a 25lb turkey, and get just a small roast instead. Threw that in the crock pot, cooked my butt off in the kitchen for 5 hours, and then we ate! I made the mistake of giving Landon his own glass of Martinelli's apple grape juice....he chugged it when I wasn't paying attention, and that killed his appetite! Stinker! Luckily he's been eating all the left overs :)

Jeff played Mario Kart with Leena, for a loong time. He's really competitive and can beat just about any video game it seems. So now he's beat the whole game, he's on a kick to get FIRST place, on every level. So he sits here and sometimes will yell at the TV, but not too often. I do find it amusing. When we got married, I knew he was competitive with video games and just in general, but oh my gosh. Going back to beat every level?! HA! Funny Jeff!

Jeff and I had a long talk, which is in the post below, then all that stuff happened, but now it sees we're on better terms than ever...or so I hope. Honesty is a key token in life to good friendships/relationship. Which is what I want. Call me crazy, but I had Leena's grandparents at my wedding (dad's side) to Jeff, because they really liked him and wanted to be supportive. (even though I have NO relationship with Leena's Dad in any way, shape or form)I want us to be supportive of each other by being supportive of such events, by being present. We'll see!

Here's hoping to a good kick off of the Christmas season, we're going to decorate our house tonight!! SO EXCITED! I'm usually not as excited as the kids for Jeff to come home, but I am today so he can crawl up to the places I can't fit or reach, to get the decor down, woohoo!