One year later...

I think I've passed one of the biggest tests of my lifetime: losing a grandparent, and mourning within reason.

A year ago, on May 15th, he passed very suddenly, and with family at his side.

This has been a very cherished year of many reflections, millions of tears, many times of fighting off tears. Many silent "breathe Heidi, breathe" moments. I firmly think each one of those made me a tad stronger with him.

About a month ago, I found a very sweet photo of my grandpa and my family. In a text, I sent it to my younger sister, Hillary. Her response was anything but what I was anticipating. She came across upset at me that I had sent her something that held dear value and was a wonderful memory of someone we both loved and adored. Her frustration literally baffled me. To the point that I had no response, as the one response I wanted to say, was fuel on a fire. I opted to be a mute, and not reply.

About a week later, I was at the park with Landon, Miri (the little 2yrs old girl I watch 4xs a week). Watching the kids play cutely together when my phone rang, it was Hillary. She said "Hey! I wanted to talk to you about my text I sent last week. You never got back to me"....I said "I chose to let the situation be. I personally thought you were a little rough and snide about the photo I sent of Grandpa". *Cricket cricket* I continued, "I look at that as memorializing a man who loved us, who was a friend, a wonderful grandfather, and it's OK to talk about him. It's OK to look at photos, separation is temporary, difficult but never permanent. REMEMBER how great he was, and STILL is! You're celebrating his life, and choosing to do so in a good way by looking at such things!" She got quiet....and said in a soft tone "This has been REALLY hard on me. (He was our first out of 4 to pass) more than I ever expected"...I said "Me too, trust me, me too." She seemed to be saddened. We hung up.

I sat there and Brian (he was on his way to a project out past my house and just made a pit stop to say hi while I was at the park) overheard the conversation as I was on the playground patrolling two toddlers. About 15mn went by. Heard my phone ring again, it was Hillary, again. I answered and she goes "you just changed my WHOLE aspect on everything about grandpa!" I said, "how so?" She seemed slightly excited and relieved all at once. She goes "you're SO SO SO right, it's ok to be sad, but it's also ok to laugh and tell stories, and to memorialize in a positive way. I've just focused on being so upset and sad over this, I was blinded by all of it and didn't think about making it into a celebration of life like you had suggested. THANK YOU SOOO MUCH! You put me in my place, and I really really needed to hear that". I was stunned. I was also quick to say, hey thanks!

Truth be told, the whole thing took me by surprise, and at many times it seem so surreal; I do only have 3 grandparents remaining. My whole life I've had 4 until the past year. I know this will dwindle with time, and some day my parents. But I think this was a training course. I've heard from many the the first one to pass, is the most difficult, unless anticipated otherwise.

Long story short, I was just as upset about it as Hillary was. I STILL remember watching my Aunt Barbara leading the closing Hymn at his awesome funeral. The song was "God be with you til we meet again". I think I about had a full on meltdown, I'd look at her, and then my Grandpas magnificent casket, which was literally in front of me. She stood no more than 10ft in front of me, saw my tears in my face, she stopped singing, put her head down,her eyes swelled up with tears, and she bit her lip, and essentially cried with me from a small distance. (she later said, "I saw Heidi crying in front of me, and it made me so sad that I cried.") I will never forget that. It's a sad memory to be frank. But, at the same time, the whole experience was a good one. I don't know how many people can call a funeral a good experience. I know I can, because of the person it was remembering, the people in which were there that day, that came out to help my Grandma, who had just buried her husband of the past 30+yrs. I was impressed at her composure. The woman was strong! That cannot be an easy thing, to bury your husband. But she managed to enjoy all of her grandchildren who were present, great grandchildren, bonus children, and children. (Bonus is my nice word for Step children. Step sounds so unloved to me)and just was glowing. It takes a special person, who keep their light going, in a life trial, per se. I admire her even more, she's kept in better touch, she writes me letters, she send my kids Christmas money, and she calls me. I have a better relationship with her now, and I LOVE it. To me she's always been nothing but kind and loving to me. I really do love her. I applaud the positive changes it has had on her life. I feel sorrow that she's lonely, and that she so dearly misses my Grandpa. I miss him too. But the upside, temporary is a wonderful thing.

Spread thin

I've failed to mention my family update:

Mikelle- is due to have a baby boy! She's due on September 28th. She and her bf, Alex, are the parents of Jack Charles Watterworth. I guess they picked a basic name that no one can mess up, because that's what the Dad wanted. Charles is after both grandfathers that passed suddenly the past 18ms, and is also my Dad's name. My little niece, Maleah is 9, and now has almost all boy cousins on my side. All are significantly younger. But she and Leena will be so cute with those boys, they're so sweet with little ones!

Me-Start work soon, read the rest of the blog!

Cody-Lives in Redmond, and is going to school FT, while his wife works at T-Mobile Corporate across the lake (from Seattle to the upscale Eastside) in Bellevue, they're doing well and enjoying kid-free living for now.

Seth-GOT MARRIED AND DID NOT TELL A FRIKKIN SOUL! I'm not bitter about this, can ya tell?! He moved to Peru because of a girl in March, got there, and married her 4 weeks later. Um. Yeah. I don't know her, never talked to her, don't have her on my Skype. Not to mention there is a gigantic language barrier.

Hillary-My youngest sister and buddy! She's still suck in Rexburg, but she has the summer off to spend with her more than adorable for words son, Uriah. Seriously, I know he's my first nephew, but he's SUPER happy, like, all the time. It's so precious! I love talking to him on the phone and on Skype because he's seriously ALL SMILES! HE's 13ms and sweet as pie! Her husband is an engineering student at BYUI, and she's a music major. They've got another 18ms left there or so =( BOO! Come back to Seattle, geez!

Parents are still in Bermuda and loving it, they're active in church and the community, enjoy their downtime together. They still ride their scooters to and fro, cracks me up! So funny to talk to my mom sometimes when she's got a helmet on!

I'm done blogging for the month, I think!

"Breidi-ness"

Random photos:

HA! Just kidding!

Possible "new toy".

I landed a new job, start 6/1!

Last summer, I bought a practical car for gas mileage reasons. (bought a 2012 Ford Fusion) I really do like it, it's great fuel wise (thought it is still OVER $50 to fill it up! OUCH!)but maaaaan...with no driving up to Redmond as often (because ALL of my family moved away, literally, it's just me and my brother Cody. Who, is in Redmond, but everyone else, GONE!) But I'm missing all the bells and whistles my little Passat had. I want my heated seats back, my navigaton, my climate control, my auto dimming mirror. I just want my luxe back!

Brian is a die hard German car fan, as he's 3/4 German himself. His Mom is full, and he's got roots tied to Munich, etc. He's a BMW enthusiast, as well as anything German, or cars. I'm not trying to "match" him, as the only BMW he owns, someone else drives, HA. With that said, I've done my comparing of what I like vs don't like, it comes down to this. I'm SERIOUSLY considering trading in my car at the one year mark, in August.

Here's the new possible toy:

It's a '08 BMW 528i, it's thexy and I like it! Gas miles is a lil les than my fusion, but more than my Passat! We'll see what time does, I've got some upgrades to do on the house first and a few other things to tackle before I bring home that beast.

Thoughtful

I like to browse online and read good things, people have said, to aid when friends seem to be upset or in a awkward state of despair or turmoil. I found all of these so true.

When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us. -Helen Keller

Happiness resides not in posessions and not in gold; the feeling of happiness dwells in the soul. -Democritus

Life is like a game of cards. The hand that is dealt you represents determinism; the way you play it is free will. -Jawaharal Nehru

Our life's a stage, a comedy: either learn to play and take it lightly, or bear its troubles patiently. -Palladas

It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. -Theodore Roosevelt

Live each day as if your life had just begun. -Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe

You may find the worst enemy or best friend in yourself. -English Proverb

Let us strive to improve ourselves, for we cannot remain stationary; one either progresses or retrogrades. -Mme. Du Deffand

Words without thoughts never to heaven go. -William Shakespeare

Vision without action is daydream. Action without vision is nightmare. - Japanese Proverb

By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail. - Benjamin Franklin

True love stories never have endings. -Richard Bach


There ya go!

A very, very, full plate.

My plate is full lately, as well as my mind, and now my soul.



So many life changes, many in which I'm eager for the challenge, as I'm only given what I can handle. I must remind myself of that, being at times I have my little bouts of tears from being overhwlemed, which leave my head wondering and spinning of what my next move or tactic will be.



With that full plate, many would look at it and think, "I can't eat all of this!" and find a few things, to remove from it. Pushing their "problems", away, or onto someone else if you will. To me, that's not an option. Not only because I'm severely underweight currently, but because, those things are on my plate for a reason. Perhaps to learn, to grow.



Here's what is on my plate.



1. Figuring out a way, to not make my kids feel forced to see their other parents, despite the 65 mile one direction distance. The complaints are now endless. And frankly, legit. Is 3hrs in a car, really worth it for only 21hrs of a visit? The argument continues.



2. School. Finding time can be difficult when there are crying children at my feet, dinner on the stove, and a famished hungry 10yr old eating everything in sight, which was part of that burning dinner on the stove.



3. Work. I've interviewed at a law firm. The CEO of the firm, advised if I got hired on, I needed to cease my current studies I have with Duke......which I've already paid for. That threw me a curve ball.



4. Family events. Not just a reunion in summer, that's the easy and good part. But two siblings have had 2 life changing things happen to them, in which no one saw coming, and have been a variable level of difficult for yours truly. Let me re-phrase that, STRESSED ME OUT TO THE MAX.



I'm not a tense person. I'm not an emotional person. I do have a heart, but I don't consider myself a "giany softy", nor will I ever. I look at my plate, and let out a heavy sigh, and make my plan of attack, of how to eat everything in a lady like manner, before it's all cold, and have the full appetite for.



There are zero shortcuts in life. If we got everywhere the easy way, where would we be challenged? How would we learn more efficiently? Would we still find a way to draw ourselves closer to the ones we love, or, would it push us away from them?



My kids are growing daily, they're so precious and innocent. My world is my sweet kiddies. I cherish them dearly, I just hope they put up with me and my frazzled self a little bit longer, the storm will calm my love bugs, I promise.



I saw this the other day, and fell in love with it. It's humbled me, made me think, have more gratitude and appreciation, for what DOES matter most.

"Look for the good, and praise it!"

My Great Grandmother Emma Blaser Sorenson, was a wise woman. Smart as a whip. She was pretty, spiritual, and had a million valuable qualities. A true gem. One thing she taught my mother growing up; "Look for the good, and praise it!" My grandmother Eileen, has enstilled this into me as well as my own mother.

We all have our good days, and we sure have just as many equally "off", or bad days.

So many peole fail to see the silver lining of day to day life.

When you're flustered with your children, who are being disobedient, careless, and rude. Count your blessings for their health. Their ability to speak, to walk, to eat. Some kids are much less fortunate.

When you look at your bank account, and see it's not what you expected, be happy you have a roof over your head.

When your head hits the pillow each night, be grateful it's a pillow, and not cold icy concrete.

When you shower every morning, give thanks for even having hot water, or a shower.

When you're stuck in traffic, be grateful you have a car.

When you see a homeless person, pray for them to be put in a direction that will help them. Or, just talk to them. Sometimes all people need, is just someone to show that they care, even if it's a stranger.

Help those in need. "Charity never faileth". And is a selfless act, worth of so many thanks, smiles, and hugs filled with immense gratitude.

A negative attitude, will only bring doom, rainclouds, and ill fate upon you.

Looking for the good, will bring you love, joy, happiness, and thousands of blessings.

There is a silver lining in any scenario, but only if you want to see it. Look for the good, and praise it!