A new pathway

What a tense year this one is turning out to be. In due time I'm sure I'll learn and embrace the new changes, abd be able to adapt eagerly. For now, eager isn't on my list as the shock and awe is winding down.
February- after my work refused to change my schedule three times, after my nanny fell ill; I literally left a note on my supervisors desk along with my badge that basically said peace out. I needed my schedule changed and it wasn't being accommodated and that was a deal breaker. Luckily I had been smart and paid months in advance in bills before leaving, and had savings.

March- Landon had a few doctors appointments Jeff wasn't letting me go to. This seemed suspicious most definitely. One was for a dental check up, fine. Got it. One was for a physical, ok. No worries. Then....one with a specialist. Jeff took him to this mystery appointment. I half begged to go sensing something was up he wasn't telling me about. And I always want to be there for my son. Especially with his pasy medical history, I know Jeff would want to know what was up too. Jeff drops Landon off from said appointment, in a hurry. Tells me to call him later and he will discuss the appointment findings as he was rushing to the ship for work...I call on my way to the bus stop. It went like this.
Me: "What was his appointment for?"
Jeff: "Sooooooo he's been diagnosed with autism. They put him on the autism spectrum scale. You wouldn't allow it so o
I did it without you. Sorry."
Me: *pauses......absolute rage builds. Spews every bad word in the book out of my mouth*.

Flash back to May of 2012. Jeff missed all his special education testing. Knowing the intensive therapy Landon would be receiving at preschool for his delays and speech. I wanted to wait and see before having him tested. As I knew how beneficial the daily therapy would be for him. I wanted to see how far the school got with him before I had him tested. Jeff took this as I was *refusing/never* going to have him tested.

I was more mad that I was written out of the process than the diagnosis. Not going to lie, the diagnosis irates me. As him being short, different, the worlds easiest target for bullying, and add autism on that and being in special education, targets him more. Trust me, if I find out anyone ever picks on him. Mommy wolf will show up :) What mother doesn't protect their children?

Now I'm working on my real estate brokers license while working at Windermere. I literally walked in and said hey. I'm interested in the field. But want to get my foot in the door. Any openings? They go yeah actually. We need to fire someone. So, I replaced her and am there usually mid afternoon and evenings. I'm off doing everything, the office is literally maybe a mile or so from my house. Which is awesome! I do need to hurry and finish it though. Here's hoping by end of summer.

Update!

We moved almost two months ago, about 20mi west from our previous house. Google Gig Harbor, that's where we are now. Little coastal town.

So far Leena has had a simple and easy transition! Flurry of giddy girls showed up to her birthday party after being here three weeks! Our Wollochet Ward has been amazing. Picking up kids on Sunday, bringing them home. People bringing meals when I needed them. Had dibber party invites, been so lucky for kind people!

Landon is doing good in school, now to get him to take breaks from playing so he doesn't forget to use the toilet instead of his pants.

I was so weary of moving. But it has literally just worked out almost too well. My kids are taken care of and loved by many, I'm rebuilding a local support system. Though I do miss my Puyallup friends and family. We aren't too far to not go say hi and visit luckily. Lucky us!!

Sorry, I've been busy slacking.

Ah, I spaced and forgot about this! It's been a while.

Jeff got home in May, around the 4th or so. And to make it fun for the kidlets, I had Jeff hide in the garage, and told Leena I needed help in lifting something. So when the kids came to the door, he was there. I was expecting a MUCH different reaction. I thought they'd run and jump on him or something. They just beamed and when the door opened, Landon said "Oh, hi Daddy!! HI!! Hi Daddy, hi!" over and over again while Leena gave him a hug.

It was a LONG 8.5ms with having to rely on 4am emails, Skype etc. It's a blessing and a curse because my schedule at times, goes by his schedule. So if there's a wrench thrown into something, it's not just in his life, but it's in mine and the kids too. Luckily it's becoming less with time. He has 17ms left in the Navy, then I get some form of normalcy and more independence.

Leena is done with 5th grade! She got the presidential physical fitness award, she was SO excited about it! She did so so good, and got fabulous grades. She truly enjoys learning. Now if I can only get her off her ipod and outside being a kid.....looks like I'll seize the ipod for a few days.

Landon finished year one of preschool. He has made huge strides! He's much better at conjugating sentences and phrases. He now even rats on people, haha. Jeff jokingly, and playfully punched Leena lightly. And he yelled "WE DON'T HIT, DADDY!! YOU STOP IT!!!" haha. Was pretty cute. He LOVED his teacher, Ms. Blount. She won't be at his school this next year, boo! She was so good and had such great direction with him, and he listened. And every morning he would run over to his teachers, give big hugs. He was in an IEP this year for speech therapy. And his speech therapist and his teacher, and all the aids who worked with him were so happy because he surpassed almost all of the speech goals by the second trimester of school. SO proud of him! He's really a smart kid. He knows his alphabet, shapes, colors, but conjugating those darn letters can be trying for him. His screaming is becoming less and mainly used when he's really flustered or needs help. Versus just using screaming as his way of talking. He really has done circles. YAY! Just working on the last bit of potty training and we're golden. (When Jeff came home it threw a wrench in things because he just stopped using the toilet. We've bribed him so much it's not even funny!)

I'm in the middle of getting my real estate license, do a few hours here and there when I get the chance. It's 90 hours for the broker and licensing course through the state of WA. I think the thing that (sadly) made me laugh was the course about how to tell what a **METH** house looked like. Its funny because some of the things are basic common sense. But....they tell people that stuff for a reason because what we may think is common sense, isn't always to those around us. Some really do need a pointer. Other than that, not much is going on! Kids leave in a few days to go down to the Oregon Coast with Jeff. He's meeting his sister and her 5 kids there. Landon will be excited to see his "bigger" cousins.

Family wise, my little brother Cody is having a little girl on the 27th of this month. No name yet, but we are ECSTATIC to have another Elledge girl around! First girl in 10yrs! My sisters both had boys the past year, and Landon was prior to them. My parents are such fun grandparents. They do upgrades to their house to accomodate the growing number of grandkids. This makes #6! So exciting!!

Competition

I get there are things in life, that you have to compete for. Cancer battle, business, etc. On that business aspect, whatever happened to be true, and supportive?

I'm so annoyed. This person shall remain genderless, and I shall call them "Pat". Just to cover my butt per se. Pat, launched a photography business about 3ms after mine. Issue is, Pat and I grew up in the same area. So the client base, was essentially people putting us up against each other.. Which seemed really really unfair. I lost clients because Pat didn't have a full time job, and marriage wasn't crumbling around them, as mine was. Mine was my source of income. Pat, had a dual income to rely on, as well as a spouse to stay and watch kids while out on shoots.

IT IRATES ME when my own family, or best friends, refer me to Pat. Really? I just offered to do a session for a few friends at 0 cost to them, while I lose out on my time spent. Really, kick me when I'm down and slap me in the face, why don't ya? I've actually given up on a true passion because I'm so sick of competition, and the constant nagging of "well, this is a good photographer, that one has better rates". I lowered my rates to dirt cheap, and still was losing out. And yet I had rave reviews? Riddle me that. All the people I've done work for, have told me they loved the end result, and that they'll pass out the word. Great. That was nice for a while. Then my home life change, and I had to stop because time with kids comes first.

So you know, don't refer me to anyone. I almost despise Pat now, because I was compared and put next to someone with a different style, who does things different. Not to mention, knows a TON LESS than me, and has been doing it a lot less than me.

Pat, I dont think you have access to this, but your business practice is wrong. Don't you dare try and make money off my own family. I love them too much to take their money, unlike you.

Ah, sank ya!

I've been sick for almost a week now, gnarly head cold mixed with a fever, not quite a flu thing. It seems to ease up mid-evening, then flare up upon bedtime, so sleeping is quite the challenge.

I've pretty much been on the couch, or in my bed the entire time, consuming maybe a glass of water here and there, not much for food or calories. Ok, pretty much no food. With how congested I was, my appetite was shot.

I feel bad, I probably look like an eyesore, being gaunt and pale, and hacking up a lung.

But, luckily I have Super B! He was my gem and stocked up on hippy stuff and dropped it by, and made me eat - haha.

Having said that, Mr. Hecker! THANK YOU!

Thanks for taking the time out of your chaotic day, to bring all that stuff by =) And, for stopping by last night, and doing the same again. Your heart is one of your best attributes, in which I'm very grateful for.

People like you, make someone like myself, appreciate charity and compassion. Sank ya, darling. I'll always appreciate you and your sweet and loving efforts =)

The plus side to regret

It's been a VERY VERY long week. Both kids are fighting a bug, and Landon's nose is equivalent to a newly installed Kohler faucet in my bathroom.

Jeff called on Skype today, he announced he was going to get a new camera, after insisting that he deserved my waterproof/shockproof/crushproof Olympus camera we've had for 4yrs and still takes great photos, even in water. My jaw dropped. I think I should at least have it mailed back, since lugging my DSLR camera around isn't necessarily fun or light and easy. Not like I can stick something the size of my face, in a pocket. We'll see.

After reflecting on the past 5yrs, I'm openly admitting, I regret many things. And for once, I'm not regretting it in a "wish I hadn't", way. I'm actually embracing it as a learning lesson, and a sense of vindication because I came out on top. Technically speaking.

This is what I learned, marriage is to be flagged with red tape, caution, and whoever you're going to say "yes" to, read the DISCLAIMER!!! EVERYONE has one, everyone has vices, insecurities, if you can't handle, or you even slightly object to those insecurities, run for the frikkin' hills, or discuss them so you understand. EIther adapt, adjust, or don't go further. I've also learned that because kids are involved, it's not a reason to stick things out. Children don't make a marriage, the parents do. If one is unhappy, there's the door, leave, no one should be forced to stay in something out of obligations or guilt. Particularly if you realize you can't stand who that person who has morphed into. And feel they won't ever return to the state of, "who I married". Don't ever feel obligated to fix things!! You're not required to if you're that unhappy!

My whole life I was lead to believe relationships were easy. All you had to do was eat, pray, love and you were set! No one warned me of spousal abuse, verbal abuse, mental abuse, and possible physical harm. No one warned me that you can still cheat without laying a hand on another individual regardless of gender.

Funny, people say Oh my gosh, you are such a strong person! Well yeah, I HAVE to be. I've been to hell and back. People pointing freakin' weapons at me, calling me names, making threats to me and my innocent child. You HAVE to be strong when it's your only option, and you're doing to to protect yourselves. Every cut is numbing now. Few people could "cut" me and really make it hurt. I don't know if that is a good or bad thing, but it's the truth.

All that said aside, not feeling a guilty regret, is kinda refreshing!

The spirit within

I think today has been craptastic. SO much crap, it's bound to be fantastic, because with that much crap, something of some good value, can be found in it, right?

Right!

Despite my "Sheety" day, I'm going to wipe off my sour expression, and try being positive. No one likes someone who looks like they're constantly sucking on a lemon. Granted, the mental visual in my head did make me giggle a tad!

I'm going to try to do something.

I was in my closet the other day, and years ago. I'd bought a book called "If I knew"...

It states: "If I knew was today was going to be your last, I'd spend every minute with you, recreating the best moments, and savoring what we have". Sweet things like that.

I try to lift and build. It's been drilled into me my entire life. You lift people up, to build them as a whole. You build them as a whole, because you should NEVER tear someone down. The only things that should be torn down, are old buildings and ruins. Not people.

As humans, we need things to make us feel good. Some use drugs, alcohol, their choice of whatever. But my personal preferences are: Hugs, compliments, cards, phone calls, kisses, human contact mainly, a joke, a high five, a smile, and even a small laugh from a child who's just being friendly, can all bring smiles to our faces. Particularly mine. My little Landon will come up to me, climb on my lap, and tell me "iss ok Momma. I wup yoo." and plant a wet kiss on my cheek. He's my little happy meter, always shoots it through the roof.

Rose shaded glasses are off, no more blinders or discoloring of the important and the meaningful.

We all have too much to be happy about, and yet so much of it goes unnoticed, unvalidated, unmentioned, or even worse....unappreciated.

Don't just appreciate the beauty of the earth, appreciate the beauty of the heart, and of your spirit, and what it *CAN* do for you. It can make you happy, feel free, feel loved. As long as that's what you want, and your mind is in a healthy spot. With so many ugly things in this world, it really IS a beautiful thing, to sit at home, and watch your kids play together, and laugh and smile for what seems like too short of time. It's watching sunsets with your favorite people. It's eating a good dinner with your best friend. It's going for a walk on a nice sunny day, and leaving your thoughts with everything you pass. Find the time to make your spirit, happy. And not just in a religious sense. Any day that has your slightly ruffled, find something that can warm your heart and soul, that makes you cry happy tears, or makes you laug or smile. When your spirit is happy, WE have joy.