Mangled, tangled.

The female gender, as a whole, has this sick urge to know certain things out of being territorial and for protection of either themselves, their children, or others.

As I sat here last night, enjoying my time with my son and daughter, and Jeff...I noticed he was using my laptop to charge his new iPhone. I also noticed it was being blown up, unbeknownst to him as it was on silent, and he was in an intense game of Mario Kart on Wii. I saw a text come in, and this is where I did something very, very, dumb. He's picked up my phone and flipped through it many, many times. Perhaps this is something that neither of us should continue doing. Obviously because of what I'm about to say. I picked up his phone, and read away. I saw a picture, wasn't bad, was sweet actually, but because of what it said, cut my heart out, threw it on the floor, and was trampled by a stampede of raging bulls. My brain went into overdrive because someone I cared about, had gone to an effort to lie to me. Either out of fear, or protection, either way, I knew the truth and was a beast that needed taming. He has someone new, and I don't know WHY I got mad, I just did. No lingering feels or anything, I just was enraged. I think it's because in a girls mind, that's the official marking of us no longer being their #1 when in this case, I was/have been for the past 4yrs. Which in it's own way, stings a ton, regardless of the status of the relationship, you feel like you've been replaced. Even though I know this isn't true because Jeff and I have raised 2 kids together the past 4yrs, one being OUR child WE had together. I got the details I never wanted to hear, in hopes it would give me some form of closure.


FAIL.

Gave me freakin', mental images if anything. UGH. So after having a mini meltdown of feeling like I was 100% responsible of everything going on in my life, even with all the Jeff stuff, which I know it 2 was streets, I still took 100% responsibility, the weight of the world was bearing it's full force on my little shoulders. I sat on the edge of the TV stand, and cried, and cried, and cried more. I mumbled to Jeff, I needed a hug, he was quick to respond.

Is closure really that, or is it torment that you're not longer as important to someone as you used to be? I'm struggling with this. Until, I came across this today, it's literally from a site called iwantclosure.com that's designed for someone like me in mental turmoil of how to go about things next, without stepping on toes, or continue being hurt. This allllll made too much sense:

Relationship Closure
November 6, 2011
Relationship closure seems to be the one thing, at the end of a relationship, that many people simply can not get. First, what kind of closure are you actually looking to get? Can someone else give you the relationship closure you are seeking?
In a perfect world, or on television, two grown adults with get together and have a talk about why their relationship has come to an end, and each would leaving feeling they got closure on that relationship. They can now move on with their lives, leaving the baggage behind and leaving nothing left unsaid. In real life, however, this rarely ever happens. If two people do get together, they are both not necessarily 100% honest.
Since it is rare for both parties to reach an agreement that the relationship should end at the same time, one may be showing up in an effort to convince the other to give it another try. They may feel that by getting together they may stir up old feelings, and that if the other person did not care for them still they wouldn’t have agreed to meet in the first place. The person wanting the relationship to end already has closure.
They don’t need this meeting, they agreed to it for the other persons’ sake, and probably do not even want to be there. See how this conversation is not going to end well? The person that does not have closure wants answers and explanations, while it is up to the other if they give them or not. it is also up to them to be truthful. They may not want to hurt the other person’s feelings so they may leave things out or not admit to them. They may, because they already have closure, feel defensive and shut down. The person seeking closure then gets frustrated because they are not getting the whole story, or simply believe they are not. Add those two together and you have a recipe for an argument, name calling, and even possibly a scene.
So that may not be the best way to get relationship closure. So how do you do it? And why do you need it from them?
Ask yourself some questions. Other than rekindling your relationship, what could they say or do to give you closure. You may say “a good reason”. Well is there a reason you think is good enough for ending your relationship? Is there a reason you will accept? If the answer is no, then the other person can not give you relationship closure. So we will ask you again, what can the other person give you so you can have closure for your relationship? You want to get things off your chest and have them listen to you? Well, then send them a letter. As soon as you send the letter off you should have your closure. Unless of course you want to see their face and their reaction. What that means is you want to see a reaction, an emotional one. Why?
For them to hurt the way they hurt you? That won’t give you closure. That is revenge. Period.
So what is next? What can the other person do/say/whatever to give you closure? We believe you get it from yourself. You give yourself closure. You choose to close the door on that relationship for good and move on.

Sad to say, but this is EXACTLY how it is, Jeff's sooo over it and sick of me bringing things up in my moments of 100% guilt and blame. It's not that I'm stuck on it and dwelling, but my kids will say/do things that make the whole things just sting and make me feel like a horrible Mother.

Here it goes, I'll go write an email, probably not send it, take a hammer to some nails, and go run a mile, and I think that will be my final cure. Or so I hope.

Living room update!

So come this past spring, I got tired of plain white walls, and no mantle decor. It looked awful boring in here. I then remembered how in LOVE I was with a color on the set of Parenthood (Tuesdays at 10pm, NBC! love that show!) and I HAD to have it. I looked it up, it was Benjamin Moore's Saybrook Sage. It took me a few days, but I painted my downstairs! It looks nice in here! It's a very light green with almost a hint of white and gray to it. I kinda am like, really short, so I could only paint the tops of the walls so well...and then it registered, huh. put up crown molding, that will rid the nasty lines and look GORGEOUS!

So, I did! I got hooked up on some 6" cove crown. Here is the before photo. BORING!


Aaaand after some nice new paint coloring, and some 6" cove crown (friend is in construction and got me lined up with someone who could install it, all in time for leena's birthday party!!)

Fun of Fall!

I'm not the biggest fan of fall, there was ice on my car this morning and I've noticed it's getting COLD, quick!

Last weekend, Jeff and I took the kids up to the Woodland park Zoo (photos to come! I'm just lazy right now. ha!) and then to the pumpkin patch down the road from my parents house up in Redmond with my little brother Cody, and his cute wife Katie. We try to get together with them, they're a fun pair and just love them, and even more cause they're LOCAL! (well, if 100 miles round-trip is local to see family, I'll take it!)



I had a friend over last night, we're like 2 peas in a pod. Always have a ton of fun together, constant laughs and giggles. Which is what we both need, as we're in the same boat right now. Anyway, we opted to play a game called "Headbanz", it's totally geared for kids, but you put this head band across your forehead, load it up with a card that has an object, place, animal, thing, and YOU have to guess what's on your card by asking questions, we had sooo much fun! Here's the proof!


and of course, the "I look so stupid!" pose. I didn't think so, I just thought it was funny.


And of course, this photo made me proud. I'll be honest, with the crap I went through getting my car, not the happiest camper about the experience, but this is WHY I bought my car!! 428 miles per tank!!! =D =D Doesn't it make you want a Fusion too?!

Is karma genetic?

Lately my sweet little boy, hasn't been that sweet. I watch and 18ms old little girl 4xs a week. All day. She's usually pretty happy, go lucky, friendly little girl. Loves to laugh and giggle. And I'm pretty sure up until this week. Had no problems with Landon.

Until Monday. Landon discovered how to push Miri to the ground =( He did it many times, and thought it was hilarious. So she turned around, and shoved him back. He thought it was funny. Probably because it was on the couch which is nice and soft and fluffy compared to the cold hard floor in which he's been shoving her. I've tried to separate them as he's gotten more aggressive with the shoving. He thinks it's HILARIOUS. She will be screaming with tears streaming down her face, running in total fear away from him, he's behind her, catching up, laughing as hard as he can. Then BOOM, to the ground he's shoved her. Her tears are flowing even more, his laughter fills the air. Now repeat this about five times. That's with separating them to opposite floors of the house (literally) and keeping them away. Nothing is working!

As a kid, I didn't shove my siblings that much. I just did gnarly, mean things to them over and over. I'd frame them even! I'd tease them til they would cry and rat on me. I was probably the world's worst older sister. I'd put a salted mexican candy in their eye, soap on everyones toothbrush (mine included, but I'd not put it on Seth's so it would look like he did it and not me) and so on. Ice water on them while in the shower to hear them scream. Just MEAN things, over and over. I backed off a bit when we moved to Seattle. I don't do it too often. I did have a friend over the other night though...I was upstairs, and It was dark in my house, I said a light had gone out upstairs, so they needed to go up to where I was. I hid behind the bannister at the top of the stairs...I hid on the ground, they came around the stars, saw a dark blob on the ground and about peed themselves! We laugh and laughed and laughed! Too bad not everyone finds everything funny.

My Mom always said "UGH! HEIDI!! I Hope you have a child like you!" and I was always hoping she was wrong. And now, I fear she was right. What on earth do I do about Landon? I'm seriously puzzled. I'm sick of him pushing Miri, Miri is sick of being pushed. And I don't want my son being a bully.

School is around the bend, ack!

I can't believe it, school is about to start! I think I think that's the worst feeling because it means that summer is almost over and then it's fall, and then it seriously just dumps rain here and gets snow and ice for 6 LONG months. =/ So not looking forward to it, I just know that if I didn't have kids and family her, I would NOT live in this "Evergreen State". Yes, it's green a lot of trees - but think of how much water those trees need to stay green.



I'll stop whining, I just don't like rain.



Leena had a fun filled summer, we can't go wrong there! She first up and went to Bermuda to see my parents, met my niece Maleah there and had a time of their lives snorkeling, making crafts, and more swimming and snorkeling. Leena used to have a HUGE phobia of the water, looks like visiting Grandma K and Papa has helped her overcome that one, yay! She came home from Bermuda, SUPER brown, I can't believe how latin she looks! She was home only for 2-3 days, got a few playdates in with her little friend Alayna, and then was off to her Dad's to get up at the crack of dawn to go on an international flight. She went from Seattle-Amsterdam-Paris-Johannesburg, S. Africa. All in all, it was 33 hours one direction. Poor kids said it was SOOOO boring! Her Dad and Bonus Mom (step mom, I call them bonus, as "step" just sounds so evil step mom-ish) bought her an iPod shuffle and loaded it up with about 5hrs worth of things a almost 10yr old little girl would like. She got to be a flower girl at her bonus Aunt's wedding, whom she'd never met before. She did say that everyone smokes down there, but at least they did it outside. She said she loved the fact that 5 dogs were present in the house. When I asked why there were FIVE dogs, she said "I guess there's a bit of crime in the area", so I guess no need for a house alarm when you've got 5 pitbulls. I don't know this is settled me, or unsettled me, either way, she was safe.



On the way home, they got to Amsterdam, and her bonus Mom got REALLY sick. Like, she was on the plane throwing up before take off, they put her in an ambulance, took her to a hospital and kept her there for observation and then sent them home the next day, which essentially was to the airport. She got home, then her Dad got the bug that his wife had. Luckily, Leena never got it!



She's got until the first to play her brains out. We went back to school shopping in July to avoid crowds and what not. I just have to get her a new outfit and I'm set!



I'm also excited because we have family pictures on the 6th. I say "Family" because it is all 4 of us, and Jeff and I do great at co-parenting and will be in the photos. I don't think we'll have a full on "family" photo, but we'll rotate out with the kids and such. Woop!

Dating 101, again?

I've decided I'm going to be open about this.



I remember once, a neighbors license plate frame one read "Star light, Star bright, where the hell is Mr. Right?"



I'm 30yrs old, and have played about 17 innings of a baseball game of dating. Went out will tall nice guys with military career in full effect, builders, more military (never was on purpose actually, all was freak accident) teachers, students, wireless dorks, (I can say that as I was one too) and engineers. Many walks of life, many differences between me and whoever.



So, I've decided I don't want to play the field. I seriously should just be gay. Oh wait, missing one big detail...not attracted to women. Darn!



As a little girl, I was told to write down the qualities that appeal to me, and that I want. Anyone that doesn't know I was born and raised Mormon, now ya know! The goal of this, is not to be picky, but not to settle for less.



Here it goes:

Tall

Dark hair, light eyes, I have a thing for blue eyes. (Go look at my track record, you'll see this, look at Jeff, ha.)

Clean cut, dresses according to their age

Clicks well with me

Same faith

Stellar goals; emotionally physically, spiritually

Wants/has kids, ok with me having 2 of my own

Gets along not just with my family, but my kids as well

Morally clean, doesn't drink, smoke, swear

Safe driver

Handy with a home, I don't know how to fix plumbing

As affectionate and love giving as I am

LOVES his Mother and has a close bond with her



Spiritual things:

Prays

Read scriptures

Has STRONG faith, and won't ever doubt it or second guess it

Wants a family; for eternity

Is willing to attend church with me and kids, regularly (as I teach Sunday school)

(If you're not LDS, skip this part) Has temple goals

Can bless my kids when they need it.



Good news is, I think I already have a clue as to somoene who fits all of this...WHOA NELLY! Having a clue and acting on it are 2 different things. My divorce is still "pending" almost a year later, no rush, I'm enjoying my time at home with my kids :)

2011, what a year.

This was my year:



January, my husband of almost 3yrs, moved out. Some reason, this blindsided me, even though I knew it was coming. The legal documents were filed Dec 1, 2010.

February, I took on the task of watching little Miri. Who brings me many smiles, and many stresses.

March, my Mom flew in from Bermuda to visit us, and then go see my sister in Idaho.

April, my sweet little sister, Hillary brought my gorgeous nephew, Uriah Aaron into the world.

May, My beloved grandfather, Wayne Elledge, (dad's side) passed away suddenly. I took that VERY hard, and I don't expect to "heal". I never will. But, I'm allowed to miss him. And I do daily.

June, arguing ensured more in my relationship with Jeff, literally to the point of constant tears. I didn't know what had happened. I went to Hawaii just in the nick of time.

July, a best friends grandfather died. I know I had never met him, but to see someone be in my shoes only 7-8wks later after losing my grandpa, was HARD. Very hard. More arguing, and severe tension arose in mine and Jeff's relationship, it was turning to anger.

August, we finally agreed we knew what the start of the fights were, and stopped discussing those topics. Things are slowly improving, and will take a while. Jeff moved out of his leased room in the house 1.8 miles away, and moved about 3.5 miles away. I went to his house the day after he moved in, in hopes it would rid me of some of my guilt and bring more closure. It somewhat has.



My mom always taught me, "The attitude is gratitude". I'm determined to count my blessings. Also do what my Great Grandmother Emma would say, "Look for the good, and praise it!"



With that said, no one I knew was fatally killed by a drunk driver, or murdered. I have my health, a roof over my head, healthy children, and have money in my bank account, and a working vehicle. So many other people in this world, simply don't have those.



Looking for the good in your life, takes 2 seconds. Think of a new one daily, and make a "I'm grateful for", list in your home. Write something NEW down each day. And months before thanksgiving is around, you'll already have your list. So on the days you're feeling a bit off, or just having a hard time, you can look back on that, and realize the plus things in your life, in which are little blessings. I'm going to start mine tonight. My first and foremost things I'm immensely grateful for, and will always come #1 to me, my family. Siblings and my own kids. They all make me smile, laugh, cry and have nothing but unconditional love for me, the one thing that only a family can give.