How I really feel about Inside Out.

Have you seen the Pixar film, Inside Out?

I was at Costco about 2 weeks ago. It had come out on DVD. I'd not seen it, but knew Leena had and enjoyed it. Putting faith in my teenage daughters opinion, I chucked it into my cart. Went on my merry way. Upon returning home, Leena goes, oh you got this?! It's sad, but still happy. I think you'll like it! I was like what?! Sad?! She goes shhh, just trust me mom!

Sigh. Ok.

Few days later for the single mom version of FHE which consists of me being exhausted, I let my kids pick a movie to watch while I try to stay awake. Landon was begging to watch it, as he hadn't seen it.

Here is what I can tell you. This movie hit me hard. Because it is Leena. She tries to be happy, but finds indifference with a perpetual state of sadness, sometimes joy takes over and she is fine. Other days, she is on her cloud, with tears flowing. Her genetic makeup consists of a lot of mental health challenges. I felt like the main character I was watching, was my own.

Here is what it taught me, and spoiler alert if you've not seen it! It taught me that her brain operates in a unique fashion. Half joy, but equivocal sadness at times too. I felt like I was watching the thoughts in her head. Bing Bong, the part where he says, take her to the moon for me. Had my eyes watering, and choked up. I just stared at Leena, and felt a little sigh of relief. I was sympathetically feeling what she battles on a regular basis. Granted we've found remedies that have helped her to a degree and usually she appears content. But that's how she is. Little yellow character in a green dress half the time, the other a blue sad mess.

If you have a teenager struggling or being moody, watch this movie. No joke. It made me see how my child feels. I've never been able to get sad people. Or people with depression, my brain cannot process that. Sorry. If anything I lose my patience because I offer a million suggestions, and there's a million reasons as to why not even one can be done.

There are days where I feel like bing bong, sitting in the dark trenches of forgotten memories of old, and wondering how do I get her out of this? I can't. She has to want to. Luckily she always does, so here's hoping she can get in her song powered rocket and blast off to a happy place.

My little heart

I meant to post this about a month ago, almost exactly. I did something on my Instagram, but I let an angered moment hit a delete button and it was long gone. I really should turn off electronics when mad. Lesson learned!

I a quick rush, I threw up my not so detailed Kauai trip from June.

So, here's a little more details about it. And, it helped a close friend kinda called me out too =P

I want to start off with something that was actually a milestone in my life, last month.

I've been with Brian the LONGEST of any guy or marriage of my life. That says something to me. And to my family.

I still remember what he was wearing the first time I saw him. (Gray RL sweater, black leather jacket, jeans, dark leather belt, black leather shoes) and how he was so polite. And giddy. It was really sweet.

Fast forward many years later I still GRIN when I see his truck pull up, and what's even sweeter is his happiness is mirroring mine.

Anytime I fall asleep next to him, he is holding my hand. Despite having conflicting work schedules, I still get upset if I go 2 days without seeing him Despite living less than 3 miles apart. We've built not only a foundation with each other, but with our kids too. We packed up all 3 of them and made it to Disneyland, where the kids had a blast! I know my kids still talk about it, and I have heard Logan rave about it as well.

We've had our ups and downs, just like everyone else. And every time, we managed to stick through it. There has been a few times, where I was so mad I though "I don't need this anymore", only to turn a song on the radio just to cry my eyes out because I knew that it was just the anger talking, and my logic and heart knew I still, and do need you. And I always will.

He is my heart, my soul, my rock, my soul mate, he has confidence in me that I sometimes lack in myself. He reminds me to have faith, when I get overwhelmed by life and it's hardships. We've been tough a lot, heartache, loss, stress, feeling alone. And he is the one person that when I'm upset by something, he comforts me in a kind and delicate way. He hold my chin, and tells me everything will be ok. And he kisses me and everything melts away my fears, my guilt, my insecurities, my pain. He is sweet and gentle, every hug is with a small sense of caution. He is sentimental. He smells my hair, as to put it on the record as a piece of comfort. And his smell is of comfort and essence of masculinity to me.

When we went on our most recent trip in June, we'd been to the same island 3 times. This time was more different. Not the ones prior were bad, but I think we were more in love, and more in sync with each other.
Every day when I would wake up, he would just stare at me and tell me how absolutely beautiful I was.

We laughed so hard we couldn't talk, or couldn't breathe. We watched sunsets almost nightly, I think we only missed one the week we were there. Most at Hanalei Beach, our little Breidi spot. We tried to give the local restaurant the benefit of a doubt, we will keep driving the hour south, haha. I love how you laughed and heard me even with a large snorkel in my mouth, not very close to you, when I had swam much further out, and there was a significant drop in the ocean temperature and you heard my scream and laughed. I loved watching you scale high rock walls, just to climb up on a cliff for a great photo opportunity. I love how we went swimming almost daily, one even in high gusty winds. Which, knocked me into the ocean floor and we just laughed because it was so unexpected and the end result was not cute at all, haha. I love how you hold my face in your hands when you want to tell me something important, how you drive cautiously because you think I'm your precious cargo and don't want to put me in a position of any form of danger. I loved all your chicken jokes, the fact you fell asleep on me on the flight home brought me comfort.

Even when we took photos with Jonathan, it was 100% us. We are always laughing and smiling. I am thrilled and want all of those because it shows how true to US that really is. Even he remarked on our chemistry! You still make me laugh, my heart still skips a beat when I haven't seen you in a few days and I see you smiling with a sense of contentment. I remember you watching get ready for photos and when I was done and turning off the light to the bathroom, you just stood there almost jaw dropped. Like I was the only female on this planet, and I was the focal point of attention for you.

Thank you for having so much fun with me. And reminding me that even being able to walk, to see what is even on this earth itself is a blessing. And I'm sorry for not appreciating that until now. I loved watching everything you did, whether it was something as simple as driving in bad rains, or, just getting ready or helping me cook. You had a smile EVERY time. No matter what we did. Thank you for putting up with me. I know I got too cold in the grocery store and I'm a whimp about sand on my feet, and for just embracing me and my weird qwerks the way they exist with everyone. I truly feel blessed beyond any word in the language I speak, that can express my love and devotion to you. I've loved you since the moment you kissed me, loved you now, and will love you even when I'm not on this amazing place called Earth anymore. Can't wait til you're mine forever honey B. You're my world. Thanks again for the absolute best time, I can't even describe how much fun I had. Love you.

Hawaii Trip '15

I've been neglectful of my little outlet.

Brian and I went to Kauai in end of May, early June.

We opted to stay in a little villa Brian has a deep love for now. It's just a newly renovated 2bd/2ba place. That way we kinda have our own spaces.

This time, we were like ok. "Let's stay local". Flying in, you fly in to the southern part of the island. We usually rent a car, head up towards Hanalei/Princeville and plan sporadic things while we are there that take a while to get to. The drive from South to North is an hour or more, pending where you stay. Some of it weaves you inland and coastal, so pending where you're at, you're looking at banyans or the ocean.

Ever since I started my job at L'oreal, my schedule changed. I don't sleep as much as I really should. So, the past year, Brian has been a sweetheart and the BEST sport of learning to deal with new silence in the car, haha. I usually fall asleep in the car anywhere we go over a half hour. It's kinda sad, but he knows I have mild insomnia, and have for years and with my crazy hours and before 4am rising each day, he's learned to do business calls or listen to the radio while I take my power naps. Having said that, thank you honey!!! I know you miss taking to me.

We got there first day, and we went to our little place, set stuff in. I think ate something fast, put on suits, and hit the beach. We'd agreed to do this on the way there. And, was one reason when I booked our flights, that I made sure we left early, and got there early so we could still have daylight. Nothing worse than being on a plane all day, and then you get there and it's bed time! Gah!

We hit up the grocery store that was just a half mile from our place, got some supplies for the week. Brian ALWAYS gets a boat load of local juice. And he drinks it like it's his fountain of youth. (Attention Aloha Maid, your next competition is him) Cracks me up. He will blow through a 6 pack like a redneck watching the Indy 500 on a Saturday in August, haha. And went on our way.

Because I don't want to do a play by play of every single thing we did, and not sadly, it's starting to get foggy. I will post photos!

One thing we didn't do this year, was Waimea Canyon. It's rather stunning and majestic, but we'd done it twice before. And each time, I got horrible altitude sickness. My little body just can't handle boats or extreme heights. However, I highly suggest it if you make it out to the Garden Isle.


We did take photos on Hanalei Beach, which we both love. If you've not seen the movie South Pacific, watch it first. It makes an appearance in that film a few times. We also went back a few other times just for swimming etc. It's not usually jam packed with people, but you can see others taking photos there. It's next to Bali Hai, which is pretty in itself and sets a mood if you will. That's always on our go to place!

Here is some links of place we went and thoroughly enjoyed:

Restaurants:
-Tidepools (tooks a huge nap on the way from photos to that place, it's down by Poipu)
http://kauai.hyatt.com/en/hotel/dining/Tidepools.html
-Hukilau Lanai
http://www.hukilaukauai.com/
Brian loves this place...

And this place had the BEST tacos, no joke!



Beaches:

Tunnels Beach

We discovered Anini on our last trip, that's a good one too.

Hanelei

Hikes:
Kalalau Trail, takes you along the extremely sharp Na Pali Coast


We had a blast, we roamed around, Brian got sunburned. I got hyper about making sure no sand ever stayed in my suit, haha. Like literally washing it after each use. We found new places we hadn't before, Brian got handed some produce from a local and it made his day =) We laughed so hard we were almost in tears, we took awesome photos (Here:)

And no, WE DID NOT GET MARRIED! Why would we ever go on vacation, and took what almost looked like wedding photos, and then come back not even engaed? *cough, Brian, cough*

Since 2014

In my previous post, I confess to not doing my blogging....which has always been therapeutic for me.

Since then, I left my job. Took a part time one, that was local in town. Which...I will say this. HARDEST 6ms of my life. Going from something full time, and an adapted income to part time, a huge pay decrease, and not very fulfilling. Scariest 6ms of my life, seriously. In hindsight I don't know how I did it. I honestly don't. I took a l=job last fall, as a contract to permanent employee, under the Clarisonic brand, which is owned by L'oreal. Because of where I live, commuting north is quite common since because of the military base down here, housing is less, so jobs can pay less. Go north where Boeing, Microsoft, Starbucks, Amazon, etc are all based. Housing in areas is easily in the millions and cost of living is higher, meaning higher pay. It's in their warranty department. We test peoples devices, some come back fine, and others are something we don't want to touch. We also replace thousands of devices a year, that are under warranty. I actually enjoy it because it's interesting to hear people RAVE about a product so much for one. Two, my hours allow me more time with my kids, three. I just got hired on as a permanent L'oreal employee, and have stellar benefits etc. We get discounts on whatever other company L'oreal owns. So I have Christmas and birthday presents picked out for my sisters. Haha. It's a long drive, and a lot of commitment on my end, but my no sleep and doing apparently well, has paid off.

Kids-

Leena is now 13.5 She's about 5'0" exactly, and will be surpassing me soon. She's in 7th grade and very proud of her 4.0 GPA. I am too! She tries so hard to make sure she's always doing good. She is kinda an overachiever and I saw this coming from her when she was about 5 or so. If you ever corrected her on her grammar, she would cry. And tell you, you were wrong, haha. She is BENT on going to Columbia University. She's wanting nothing less than an Ivy league school. I hope Eli helps out with that! She also is superior with her brother, she's taught him how to read better, write better, and they love to sit and do basic math with each other. (AHHH!! MATH!! YUCK!!) She's turning into a little lady, and it's definitely bittersweet. I miss coming home to her teaparties with all her stuffed animals, that she would individually name (IE: SuffPokeyMaxine) and dress to the nines, and be a saint and clean it all up with minimal help. My mom has always called her AngeLeena, and she's stood true to that divine name.

Landon is now 6.5 and in Kindergarten. He and Leenas schools share a parking lot, so on the days I do have to go back and forth, it's literally a crosswalk apart. Landon is in a mainstream class, with the occasional pull out for his Special Education. Having 2 kids at the opposite realms of education, is humbling. I have my daughter who can't learn enough, or fast enough, with straight A's, and my son who has autism, and finds large groups settings difficult to learn in, and can sometimes act out because of it. They're both different and I love them to inifinity because of that. He started off in September having difficulty even holding a pencil to write his name. Now, I see "Landon" on everything. And sometimes, he write "Landon 10" on things as well. (he was the 10th kid in his preschool, and 10 was his assigned number last year) He is OBSESSED with the color yellow. And always has loved cars and trains. And ever since we had to re-home our kitten, Meeka about 15ms ago, he's got a deep love for cats.

Landon is a riot. The Ellie Goulding song "Love me like you do", came on. And he was back in his car seat singing "love me like a dude! touch me like a dude!" we quickly corrected him hahaha.

I love my kids.

Because I suffer from love/hate of social media.

My little blog has been neglected for almost a year.

I'm on an off facebook. And here's why. I haven't ever called myself "old school", or "old fashioned".

But, there's something more valuable about someone calling me on my birthday, to say hello, vs typing and posting something on a website, that you're hoping they see.

There's something to be said about seeing 213 friends on your so called "friends" page, and you only have 30 of their numbers.

There's that horrible day you had a work, your crying and sad over something that's bugging you, and you feel like you can't reach out to anyone of those people; in fear of what it may portray on your part, or just be downright awkward. Even the long lost family members that "like" all your photos, or leave sweet comments.

I guess, I value in the flesh, or the effort made.

As a kid, I would write my aunts and uncles hand written letters. And you know what, they were always so touched that they always responded. They always told my mom, Heidi is so sweet! She tries so hard to keep in touch with everyone!

Until now, the calls on my birthday are from my boyfriend and parents. Everyone else sends a text. Which, isn't unnoticed, but calling will make me grin a massive smile, and it means more than something I can press "delete" on.

Long story short, I've not ever been homecoming queen, or been one to have flash mobs of friends. But, the ones that I do have, I want to maintain, and feel as if it's still a mutual care.

I feel when I post something on social media, if it's not earth shattering, no one gives a hoot. (unless you pollute!)

I know the people I can call crying, and they'll talk to me. But, prior to me calling, who's putting in the effort? Why is it ME always have to reach out to OTHER people? I thought we all wondered how so and so was doing? Or have that nagging feeling of, I should really call them. Is that just me, or are people so busy with families now, that friends are obsolete?

I'm 33, and when I log into that site, never have I felt so alone in my life. I cannot grasp how we run to a site to publish everything, vs calling the kids we used to spends hours with, and telling them first? I miss the devotion and loyalty of the true meaning of friendship. I haven't had a best friend in ages. I have a small handful of close ones, but I don't think I'd label even one a best.

And to me, that's heartbreaking.

Also, on the realm of phones and human contact: this is so true.

Can bet half the readers of this entry, won't watch that. Please, do.

A new pathway

What a tense year this one is turning out to be. In due time I'm sure I'll learn and embrace the new changes, abd be able to adapt eagerly. For now, eager isn't on my list as the shock and awe is winding down.
February- after my work refused to change my schedule three times, after my nanny fell ill; I literally left a note on my supervisors desk along with my badge that basically said peace out. I needed my schedule changed and it wasn't being accommodated and that was a deal breaker. Luckily I had been smart and paid months in advance in bills before leaving, and had savings.

March- Landon had a few doctors appointments Jeff wasn't letting me go to. This seemed suspicious most definitely. One was for a dental check up, fine. Got it. One was for a physical, ok. No worries. Then....one with a specialist. Jeff took him to this mystery appointment. I half begged to go sensing something was up he wasn't telling me about. And I always want to be there for my son. Especially with his pasy medical history, I know Jeff would want to know what was up too. Jeff drops Landon off from said appointment, in a hurry. Tells me to call him later and he will discuss the appointment findings as he was rushing to the ship for work...I call on my way to the bus stop. It went like this.
Me: "What was his appointment for?"
Jeff: "Sooooooo he's been diagnosed with autism. They put him on the autism spectrum scale. You wouldn't allow it so o
I did it without you. Sorry."
Me: *pauses......absolute rage builds. Spews every bad word in the book out of my mouth*.

Flash back to May of 2012. Jeff missed all his special education testing. Knowing the intensive therapy Landon would be receiving at preschool for his delays and speech. I wanted to wait and see before having him tested. As I knew how beneficial the daily therapy would be for him. I wanted to see how far the school got with him before I had him tested. Jeff took this as I was *refusing/never* going to have him tested.

I was more mad that I was written out of the process than the diagnosis. Not going to lie, the diagnosis irates me. As him being short, different, the worlds easiest target for bullying, and add autism on that and being in special education, targets him more. Trust me, if I find out anyone ever picks on him. Mommy wolf will show up :) What mother doesn't protect their children?

Now I'm working on my real estate brokers license while working at Windermere. I literally walked in and said hey. I'm interested in the field. But want to get my foot in the door. Any openings? They go yeah actually. We need to fire someone. So, I replaced her and am there usually mid afternoon and evenings. I'm off doing everything, the office is literally maybe a mile or so from my house. Which is awesome! I do need to hurry and finish it though. Here's hoping by end of summer.

Update!

We moved almost two months ago, about 20mi west from our previous house. Google Gig Harbor, that's where we are now. Little coastal town.

So far Leena has had a simple and easy transition! Flurry of giddy girls showed up to her birthday party after being here three weeks! Our Wollochet Ward has been amazing. Picking up kids on Sunday, bringing them home. People bringing meals when I needed them. Had dibber party invites, been so lucky for kind people!

Landon is doing good in school, now to get him to take breaks from playing so he doesn't forget to use the toilet instead of his pants.

I was so weary of moving. But it has literally just worked out almost too well. My kids are taken care of and loved by many, I'm rebuilding a local support system. Though I do miss my Puyallup friends and family. We aren't too far to not go say hi and visit luckily. Lucky us!!

Sorry, I've been busy slacking.

Ah, I spaced and forgot about this! It's been a while.

Jeff got home in May, around the 4th or so. And to make it fun for the kidlets, I had Jeff hide in the garage, and told Leena I needed help in lifting something. So when the kids came to the door, he was there. I was expecting a MUCH different reaction. I thought they'd run and jump on him or something. They just beamed and when the door opened, Landon said "Oh, hi Daddy!! HI!! Hi Daddy, hi!" over and over again while Leena gave him a hug.

It was a LONG 8.5ms with having to rely on 4am emails, Skype etc. It's a blessing and a curse because my schedule at times, goes by his schedule. So if there's a wrench thrown into something, it's not just in his life, but it's in mine and the kids too. Luckily it's becoming less with time. He has 17ms left in the Navy, then I get some form of normalcy and more independence.

Leena is done with 5th grade! She got the presidential physical fitness award, she was SO excited about it! She did so so good, and got fabulous grades. She truly enjoys learning. Now if I can only get her off her ipod and outside being a kid.....looks like I'll seize the ipod for a few days.

Landon finished year one of preschool. He has made huge strides! He's much better at conjugating sentences and phrases. He now even rats on people, haha. Jeff jokingly, and playfully punched Leena lightly. And he yelled "WE DON'T HIT, DADDY!! YOU STOP IT!!!" haha. Was pretty cute. He LOVED his teacher, Ms. Blount. She won't be at his school this next year, boo! She was so good and had such great direction with him, and he listened. And every morning he would run over to his teachers, give big hugs. He was in an IEP this year for speech therapy. And his speech therapist and his teacher, and all the aids who worked with him were so happy because he surpassed almost all of the speech goals by the second trimester of school. SO proud of him! He's really a smart kid. He knows his alphabet, shapes, colors, but conjugating those darn letters can be trying for him. His screaming is becoming less and mainly used when he's really flustered or needs help. Versus just using screaming as his way of talking. He really has done circles. YAY! Just working on the last bit of potty training and we're golden. (When Jeff came home it threw a wrench in things because he just stopped using the toilet. We've bribed him so much it's not even funny!)

I'm in the middle of getting my real estate license, do a few hours here and there when I get the chance. It's 90 hours for the broker and licensing course through the state of WA. I think the thing that (sadly) made me laugh was the course about how to tell what a **METH** house looked like. Its funny because some of the things are basic common sense. But....they tell people that stuff for a reason because what we may think is common sense, isn't always to those around us. Some really do need a pointer. Other than that, not much is going on! Kids leave in a few days to go down to the Oregon Coast with Jeff. He's meeting his sister and her 5 kids there. Landon will be excited to see his "bigger" cousins.

Family wise, my little brother Cody is having a little girl on the 27th of this month. No name yet, but we are ECSTATIC to have another Elledge girl around! First girl in 10yrs! My sisters both had boys the past year, and Landon was prior to them. My parents are such fun grandparents. They do upgrades to their house to accomodate the growing number of grandkids. This makes #6! So exciting!!

Competition

I get there are things in life, that you have to compete for. Cancer battle, business, etc. On that business aspect, whatever happened to be true, and supportive?

I'm so annoyed. This person shall remain genderless, and I shall call them "Pat". Just to cover my butt per se. Pat, launched a photography business about 3ms after mine. Issue is, Pat and I grew up in the same area. So the client base, was essentially people putting us up against each other.. Which seemed really really unfair. I lost clients because Pat didn't have a full time job, and marriage wasn't crumbling around them, as mine was. Mine was my source of income. Pat, had a dual income to rely on, as well as a spouse to stay and watch kids while out on shoots.

IT IRATES ME when my own family, or best friends, refer me to Pat. Really? I just offered to do a session for a few friends at 0 cost to them, while I lose out on my time spent. Really, kick me when I'm down and slap me in the face, why don't ya? I've actually given up on a true passion because I'm so sick of competition, and the constant nagging of "well, this is a good photographer, that one has better rates". I lowered my rates to dirt cheap, and still was losing out. And yet I had rave reviews? Riddle me that. All the people I've done work for, have told me they loved the end result, and that they'll pass out the word. Great. That was nice for a while. Then my home life change, and I had to stop because time with kids comes first.

So you know, don't refer me to anyone. I almost despise Pat now, because I was compared and put next to someone with a different style, who does things different. Not to mention, knows a TON LESS than me, and has been doing it a lot less than me.

Pat, I dont think you have access to this, but your business practice is wrong. Don't you dare try and make money off my own family. I love them too much to take their money, unlike you.

Ah, sank ya!

I've been sick for almost a week now, gnarly head cold mixed with a fever, not quite a flu thing. It seems to ease up mid-evening, then flare up upon bedtime, so sleeping is quite the challenge.

I've pretty much been on the couch, or in my bed the entire time, consuming maybe a glass of water here and there, not much for food or calories. Ok, pretty much no food. With how congested I was, my appetite was shot.

I feel bad, I probably look like an eyesore, being gaunt and pale, and hacking up a lung.

But, luckily I have Super B! He was my gem and stocked up on hippy stuff and dropped it by, and made me eat - haha.

Having said that, Mr. Hecker! THANK YOU!

Thanks for taking the time out of your chaotic day, to bring all that stuff by =) And, for stopping by last night, and doing the same again. Your heart is one of your best attributes, in which I'm very grateful for.

People like you, make someone like myself, appreciate charity and compassion. Sank ya, darling. I'll always appreciate you and your sweet and loving efforts =)

The plus side to regret

It's been a VERY VERY long week. Both kids are fighting a bug, and Landon's nose is equivalent to a newly installed Kohler faucet in my bathroom.

Jeff called on Skype today, he announced he was going to get a new camera, after insisting that he deserved my waterproof/shockproof/crushproof Olympus camera we've had for 4yrs and still takes great photos, even in water. My jaw dropped. I think I should at least have it mailed back, since lugging my DSLR camera around isn't necessarily fun or light and easy. Not like I can stick something the size of my face, in a pocket. We'll see.

After reflecting on the past 5yrs, I'm openly admitting, I regret many things. And for once, I'm not regretting it in a "wish I hadn't", way. I'm actually embracing it as a learning lesson, and a sense of vindication because I came out on top. Technically speaking.

This is what I learned, marriage is to be flagged with red tape, caution, and whoever you're going to say "yes" to, read the DISCLAIMER!!! EVERYONE has one, everyone has vices, insecurities, if you can't handle, or you even slightly object to those insecurities, run for the frikkin' hills, or discuss them so you understand. EIther adapt, adjust, or don't go further. I've also learned that because kids are involved, it's not a reason to stick things out. Children don't make a marriage, the parents do. If one is unhappy, there's the door, leave, no one should be forced to stay in something out of obligations or guilt. Particularly if you realize you can't stand who that person who has morphed into. And feel they won't ever return to the state of, "who I married". Don't ever feel obligated to fix things!! You're not required to if you're that unhappy!

My whole life I was lead to believe relationships were easy. All you had to do was eat, pray, love and you were set! No one warned me of spousal abuse, verbal abuse, mental abuse, and possible physical harm. No one warned me that you can still cheat without laying a hand on another individual regardless of gender.

Funny, people say Oh my gosh, you are such a strong person! Well yeah, I HAVE to be. I've been to hell and back. People pointing freakin' weapons at me, calling me names, making threats to me and my innocent child. You HAVE to be strong when it's your only option, and you're doing to to protect yourselves. Every cut is numbing now. Few people could "cut" me and really make it hurt. I don't know if that is a good or bad thing, but it's the truth.

All that said aside, not feeling a guilty regret, is kinda refreshing!

The spirit within

I think today has been craptastic. SO much crap, it's bound to be fantastic, because with that much crap, something of some good value, can be found in it, right?

Right!

Despite my "Sheety" day, I'm going to wipe off my sour expression, and try being positive. No one likes someone who looks like they're constantly sucking on a lemon. Granted, the mental visual in my head did make me giggle a tad!

I'm going to try to do something.

I was in my closet the other day, and years ago. I'd bought a book called "If I knew"...

It states: "If I knew was today was going to be your last, I'd spend every minute with you, recreating the best moments, and savoring what we have". Sweet things like that.

I try to lift and build. It's been drilled into me my entire life. You lift people up, to build them as a whole. You build them as a whole, because you should NEVER tear someone down. The only things that should be torn down, are old buildings and ruins. Not people.

As humans, we need things to make us feel good. Some use drugs, alcohol, their choice of whatever. But my personal preferences are: Hugs, compliments, cards, phone calls, kisses, human contact mainly, a joke, a high five, a smile, and even a small laugh from a child who's just being friendly, can all bring smiles to our faces. Particularly mine. My little Landon will come up to me, climb on my lap, and tell me "iss ok Momma. I wup yoo." and plant a wet kiss on my cheek. He's my little happy meter, always shoots it through the roof.

Rose shaded glasses are off, no more blinders or discoloring of the important and the meaningful.

We all have too much to be happy about, and yet so much of it goes unnoticed, unvalidated, unmentioned, or even worse....unappreciated.

Don't just appreciate the beauty of the earth, appreciate the beauty of the heart, and of your spirit, and what it *CAN* do for you. It can make you happy, feel free, feel loved. As long as that's what you want, and your mind is in a healthy spot. With so many ugly things in this world, it really IS a beautiful thing, to sit at home, and watch your kids play together, and laugh and smile for what seems like too short of time. It's watching sunsets with your favorite people. It's eating a good dinner with your best friend. It's going for a walk on a nice sunny day, and leaving your thoughts with everything you pass. Find the time to make your spirit, happy. And not just in a religious sense. Any day that has your slightly ruffled, find something that can warm your heart and soul, that makes you cry happy tears, or makes you laug or smile. When your spirit is happy, WE have joy.

Social Media, slightly overrated.

I deactivated my FB account.

Slightly liberating. It shows who really wants to be in touch, and who really don't have the time or care. To put it bluntly.

I haven't touched it in a week, and it's quite nice. I felt obligated to go on there and reply back to messages people had sent.

If anything, it made me realize how often I need to pick up the phone to say hi to people. We all did it before the MySpace days, the FB days, and way before twitter was ever a thought in someones head. It's not hard to write a letter. It's not hard to leave a voicemail, it's not hard to hit send on a voicemail. We live in such a digital and fast paced world, not one TRULY makes dedicated time for each other.

THAT IS SO SAD. WE get texts about people's life events, or even worse, a freakin' newsfeed.

The interesting part is, I made it public on my FB of my decision....and all the whiners, even after I put my # up, NO ONE contacted me outside of it. It showed how many of them were either too busy, or not interested. I'd hope if they weren't truly interested in my friendship, delete me. Gosh, it literally takes a mouse click.

All in all, I don't miss it. I've enjoyed the silence, the no drama. The no need to think "oh crap, I HAVE to write that person back". Nope. I can pick up my phone, call who I want, typically when I want. It's a nice feeling to not be tied to so many stupid political posts, people's complaints, retarded opinionated photos, and negative status updates. It's like I've gone through a media detox.

I highly recommend one.

Honey B!

Brian and I tend to be sappy people. Seriously. It's funny/cute/revolting to others.

One of our nicknames is a slight deviation of his initials. "HB" is Hecker, Brian....or. Honey Bee!

Anyway, here's some "HB" pics from our roadtrip =)

The definition of "True Love"

As per Urban Dictionary:

2. true love
Love. Love is the greatest gift God ever gave man. Love is not wanting to go anywhere without her. Love is not caring what other people think about the two of you. Love is when you feel depressed and sickly when you're not with her. You feel like your life has no meaning or purpose without her. And that if she wasn't holding your hand you would float away to heaven from where she came. Love is caring for her physically and emotionally. It's telling her everyday, anytime, anywhere, anyhow, for no just reason that you love her. Love is telling her u want to spend the rest of your life with her. Love is wanting to marry her even tho ya'll haven't been dating that long. That you would do anything and everything for her. It's the feeling that you would give up everything just to see her smile or look into her beautiful eyes or hear her soft, soothing voice. Love is pure happiness. Love is the feeling you get when all you have to do is think of her and it brings a smile to your face and a yourning to your heart. Love is not being able to think about nething but her. Love is having the sweetest dreams about her and waking up with a smile on ur face. Love is an overwelming feeling of pure bliss when the 2 of u kiss. Love is wanting to hold her in ur arms till the end of time. Love is wishing ur time with her never ends, that your lips would be locked together forever, that she'd be in ur arms till the end of time, that u could cuddle with her for all of eternity. Love is being helplessy and deeply in love with her and knowing your love for her and your feelings for her will never change/end. Love is the world, the world is love, and she is the world to me...

I have witnessed this definition to the T.

My Grandpa turned 90 in July, Grandma turns 90 next month. She now has Alzheimer's. Which honestly did break my heart hearing it. We noticed it starting to set in a few years ago. But just within the past 2 months, she really has plummeted upon a fall and breaking her shoulder. Bless her heart she tries hard to remember, but it's only so helpful.

Let's start at the very beginning...(a very good place, to start, ha!)

Brian's family is somewhat scattered around the country. Some are in Missouri, some in Seattle, some in California etc. He got an invite to go to his Uncle's in Monterey for Oktoberfest, as his family is German. We didn't have much free time as the others did, but we opted to go, and have some fun and get away from the chaos of the world and the thralls of what single parenting is for the 2 of us. We drove 21hrs (after meeting up with his parents in S. Oregon, making some stops. without stops it was 15hrs) and made it to his Uncle Mike's. We had a blast with his family, who were all hospitable, loving, kind and all immensely welcoming. All such big heart and loving people, Brian has a fantastic family, and I'm so grateful he realizes is! We hit up the beach, and soaked up the noise of waves in which we are depleted of in the NW. We drove back N bound on I-5 and let my grandparents know the night prior, we'd be making a pit stop to see them.
When I had called the night prior, my grandmother answered, and thought I was my brother. I had to tell her many times, "It's HEIDI, Grandma....not Cody." She didn't seem to understand. Broke my heart. It was a little thing, but it's so incredibly hard to watch someone literally deteriorate. I had watery eyes. My grandmother as I once knew, 5yrs ago, was now a VERY different woman. Same body, same heart, still the love of Christ that's as big as a bonfire, but her words and manners have just changed drastically. Grandpa got on the phone and said "Sweet Heidi, we love you so much. But your grandmother is doing more poorly now that she ever has. When you get here, I will tell you". This totally sank my heart. I don't do well with family members getting ill, or passing for that matter.
We drove the 3-4hrs from Monterey to Placerville, and the minute we pulled up, my Grandpa Willard came out of the house to greet us with hugs and handshakes. He held my face and said "Your Grandma has now developed Alzheimer's. There is nothing we can do. She's past the point that we can 'train' her. We can just tell her over and over again of what she's said, and that's it. So please utilize love and patience with her, she will tell you the same things, over and over again. I took a deep sigh, hugged that amazing old man like no tomorrow, having lost one grandpa has really made me look at my family and realize how vitally important they are to me. We walked in, and Brian and Grandpa just HIT it off! My Grandpa loves houses, he's built many with his own 2 hands, and that's what Brian does for his living. He builds houses, and does a spectacular job, really. All his houses are gorgeous. My Grandpa just beamed and they talked and talked. Made my heart sing because I haven't brought any man around my extended family in about 11yrs, as I'm very selective about it, because it's SO special to me that I use caution. I was helping my grandma with some phone #'s she didn't have, and wanted. During that time, she asked me 3 times within 45 seconds, how much I weighed, and how old my kids were. Her 90th birthday party was 2ms ago, in which she saw me and was thrilled to see me. She said "I had my birthday party a few months ago". I said "I know! I was here for it!" she looked so confused. She said "You were? I don't remember you being here?" I go "Oh, I came up from Seattle, remember Grandma? I stayed downstairs with my kids, Leena and Landon?" 'Oh, I'm sorry honey, I don't remember you being here at all'. My heart sank. This really is as bad as grandpa said. She also told a lighter variation of the story of how my mom survived hepatitis when she was born, which my mother was labeled "The Miracle Baby" because so many Dr's had told my grandma she would be born dead. In short, she was a unknown medical miracle. Especially for the late 50's.
We walked around while my Grandpa gave Brian a tour. I loved seeing Brian's eyes twinkle and glow with appreciation and new found love and respect for such people I love and dearly adore, and hold dear to my heart. It's not just them that I hold dear, it's the house, the surroundings, the memories that he was all getting to piece together.It was now special to him also, because the love I have of that place.
As we stood under a 2nd covered driveway they have under the deck upstairs, my Grandpa talked about the giant ponderosa pines that are all over his 15 acres his lot sits on. He said they bloom red fruit and the robins go crazy and eat all of them. ANd he said "not to be crude, and my apolgies in advance, but these Robins eat all the fruit and they just shit all over the place" HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. He is 90, and totally just swore in front of us, I've rarely heard him do that. We laughed so hard! Brian even gave him a high five, I was going to do that but he beat me to it. He still has his sense of humor.
We made the trek home, and got home around 1am. We are both exhausted, tired, but realize the sacrifice wasn't just a sacrifice, it was NEEDED. We needed to see family, we needed to make those memories with those people. I will never regret that trip, though 36hrs of it, was spent in a moving vehicle. I had my best friend and soul mate in tow, I got to spend awesome time with his parents, who I now just adore for their humor, love and constant show of appreciation and love for those around them. We BOTH are so blessed with family that is truly heaven sent!
The biggest thing I learned, was what true love was. My grandpa has never criticized my grandma. He really has earned his gold start to get into heaven. He adores his wife, he will say things "my poor sweetheart has aged, and she can't remember. Please, just know how much she loves you." he speaks with his heart, and I pray to god, I am just like him when I'm in that boat, at his age, or even maybe beyond. HE is what keeps my grandma going, HE is selfless. HE is the one who loves her regardless. He holds her hand, still kisses her, helps her, aids her, literally is her rock. And they're 90. That, is enduring to the end, and 10000%, true and eternal love.

The good life

I think my brain is already past tired to blog about every detail. So, here's the "I'm lazy, have a shorter version"!

I packed up Landon and 3-4 days worth of outfits, sunblock (cause we true whiteys BURN up here in the PNW) and headed south for a surprise birthday party/family reunion for my grandparents 90th birthday. Part of me was sad because my grandmother, minus the past 3-4yrs, has been sharp. But, with age comes illness, dementia, etc. She's not the same, and her time will be due up soon. I pulled into good old Placerville (after a short 12hr drive from Puyallup) on a Thursday, it was boiling. I seriously was going to melt at the unfavorably brutal 106 degrees it was that day. I got Landon and I some cold drinks, and parked us in the home in which I have so many fond and warm memories of. The decor is still the same, everything in place, hardly touched as grandchildren who once lives down the curvy road, now live in the suburbs of Sacramento and beyond.


I stared at the photo of my great grandparents on the wall, their smiles still radiating their love and joy in which they always exuded to me and made so obvious to others in their time. I walked around, showing Landon all the now antique toys, still in great condition for any child to love, generation after generation. He was in heaven, there were blocks.

Hillary, Cody and Katie (his wife) were there along with my parents, Uriah (nephew) and Leena. The grandkids loves playing together, it was so sweet to see all of them getting along, just how I did with my cousins when I was a kid.

We went into old gold country and let the kids wade the american river, and feed the manipulate Canada geese, Landon would pick off unripe blackberries, dart them into the water and he thought that was GREAT.

My grandparents are on about 14 acres, just their parcel alone. It's a large place. To them, it's heaven. Grandpa built a playcenter for the grand kids vs a large yard. It's covered in ponderosa pines, and their needles over the decades. There is a 20ft long slide, gliders, a tire swing, swing, a rope swing, and a separate tiny swing set for the babies. They spared no expense and wanted to have their grand kids, truly LOVE going there. There is not one of us grand kids, great-grand kids, who didn't love their home. Mission accomplished! My kids LOVED it. Landon will do anything to go down a slide, and he really was in heaven and did not care how hot it was, he was going down. And thus he did, multiple times!

Saturday was the reunion. People had flown in, driven hours, and even days to be there. We hadn't told either grandparent about it as not to stress them out in their age. We were late, so I missed their reaction to everyone being there, but I was swarmed by old faced, tons of smiles, and a million hello's. I hadn't seen about 90% of my cousins in about 10yrs. Way too long. One, I hadn't seen in about 15-16yrs, my cousin Brandon. It's so funny, he looked the same, just more taller and beefy than the last time I saw him. I remember the visits he made to my home when we were kids, and those are cherished, as we're close in age, we got to catch up and wish each other well in our life endeavors with our families.

I'm home, I'm SOOOO glad I went, proves again, familes really are forever. And I had 2 of the most loyal, dedicated people, who taught my mother the best they could,and she's passed that onto me.

In avoidance of, "Whoa is me".

I'm kinda upset..every year, my birthday rolls around. The sun is out, weather is warm, perfect for a picnic, day at the beach, night on the town, all that fun summer stuff.

But, I'm noticing. The last 7yrs, have been AWFUL for my b-day. All I've wanted is family and close friends, and it seems like everyone either ignores it or bails on the plan. Or, gives me an excuse.

I get life happens, I get people have jobs, I get people have families, summer vacations etc. But when I call you a MONTH prior, if not even earlier than that, is it that hard to try to maybe say yes, for once? Or at least TRY to find a sitter, for an hour? Or instead of sending me a message on Facebook, to CALL? No. Hitting "send" is a really hard task. So hard that even my 89yr old grandmother STILL calls me and sings me happy birthday!

This year is even more depressing as I have ONE...ONE sibling here now. We all moved here in '97, I NEVER wanted to live in this friggin' state, and now I'm stuck here cause kids and military. So, with having one sibling who has a horrible memory for dates/times on things, and all my friends not being able to go, despite me mentioning it a long while ago...kinda irkes me.

I swear I usually am not this petty. But I moved to a place with next to NO friends, (where I don't even feel comfortable asking ward members to watch my kids because I feel I'm burdening them regardless of how much they try to assure me I'm not, I FEEL like I am) I work full time, I never go out, this is the one time I can, and want to, and of course, again, everyone isn't able to.

URRRRRRRRRGH!!


Hey, they sell hard alcohol in stores now, if I was a drinker, I would've just done that for my big 3-1. Get sloshed, go to bed. Just like Charlie Sheen, WINNING.

I should clarify. Last year was NOT awful. The throwing up part was. But the person who had me in mind and tried very hard to make me happy, was very sweet and I'm forever grateful. I just wish I had a crystal ball to have known I'd get violently sea sick.

One year later...

I think I've passed one of the biggest tests of my lifetime: losing a grandparent, and mourning within reason.

A year ago, on May 15th, he passed very suddenly, and with family at his side.

This has been a very cherished year of many reflections, millions of tears, many times of fighting off tears. Many silent "breathe Heidi, breathe" moments. I firmly think each one of those made me a tad stronger with him.

About a month ago, I found a very sweet photo of my grandpa and my family. In a text, I sent it to my younger sister, Hillary. Her response was anything but what I was anticipating. She came across upset at me that I had sent her something that held dear value and was a wonderful memory of someone we both loved and adored. Her frustration literally baffled me. To the point that I had no response, as the one response I wanted to say, was fuel on a fire. I opted to be a mute, and not reply.

About a week later, I was at the park with Landon, Miri (the little 2yrs old girl I watch 4xs a week). Watching the kids play cutely together when my phone rang, it was Hillary. She said "Hey! I wanted to talk to you about my text I sent last week. You never got back to me"....I said "I chose to let the situation be. I personally thought you were a little rough and snide about the photo I sent of Grandpa". *Cricket cricket* I continued, "I look at that as memorializing a man who loved us, who was a friend, a wonderful grandfather, and it's OK to talk about him. It's OK to look at photos, separation is temporary, difficult but never permanent. REMEMBER how great he was, and STILL is! You're celebrating his life, and choosing to do so in a good way by looking at such things!" She got quiet....and said in a soft tone "This has been REALLY hard on me. (He was our first out of 4 to pass) more than I ever expected"...I said "Me too, trust me, me too." She seemed to be saddened. We hung up.

I sat there and Brian (he was on his way to a project out past my house and just made a pit stop to say hi while I was at the park) overheard the conversation as I was on the playground patrolling two toddlers. About 15mn went by. Heard my phone ring again, it was Hillary, again. I answered and she goes "you just changed my WHOLE aspect on everything about grandpa!" I said, "how so?" She seemed slightly excited and relieved all at once. She goes "you're SO SO SO right, it's ok to be sad, but it's also ok to laugh and tell stories, and to memorialize in a positive way. I've just focused on being so upset and sad over this, I was blinded by all of it and didn't think about making it into a celebration of life like you had suggested. THANK YOU SOOO MUCH! You put me in my place, and I really really needed to hear that". I was stunned. I was also quick to say, hey thanks!

Truth be told, the whole thing took me by surprise, and at many times it seem so surreal; I do only have 3 grandparents remaining. My whole life I've had 4 until the past year. I know this will dwindle with time, and some day my parents. But I think this was a training course. I've heard from many the the first one to pass, is the most difficult, unless anticipated otherwise.

Long story short, I was just as upset about it as Hillary was. I STILL remember watching my Aunt Barbara leading the closing Hymn at his awesome funeral. The song was "God be with you til we meet again". I think I about had a full on meltdown, I'd look at her, and then my Grandpas magnificent casket, which was literally in front of me. She stood no more than 10ft in front of me, saw my tears in my face, she stopped singing, put her head down,her eyes swelled up with tears, and she bit her lip, and essentially cried with me from a small distance. (she later said, "I saw Heidi crying in front of me, and it made me so sad that I cried.") I will never forget that. It's a sad memory to be frank. But, at the same time, the whole experience was a good one. I don't know how many people can call a funeral a good experience. I know I can, because of the person it was remembering, the people in which were there that day, that came out to help my Grandma, who had just buried her husband of the past 30+yrs. I was impressed at her composure. The woman was strong! That cannot be an easy thing, to bury your husband. But she managed to enjoy all of her grandchildren who were present, great grandchildren, bonus children, and children. (Bonus is my nice word for Step children. Step sounds so unloved to me)and just was glowing. It takes a special person, who keep their light going, in a life trial, per se. I admire her even more, she's kept in better touch, she writes me letters, she send my kids Christmas money, and she calls me. I have a better relationship with her now, and I LOVE it. To me she's always been nothing but kind and loving to me. I really do love her. I applaud the positive changes it has had on her life. I feel sorrow that she's lonely, and that she so dearly misses my Grandpa. I miss him too. But the upside, temporary is a wonderful thing.

Spread thin

I've failed to mention my family update:

Mikelle- is due to have a baby boy! She's due on September 28th. She and her bf, Alex, are the parents of Jack Charles Watterworth. I guess they picked a basic name that no one can mess up, because that's what the Dad wanted. Charles is after both grandfathers that passed suddenly the past 18ms, and is also my Dad's name. My little niece, Maleah is 9, and now has almost all boy cousins on my side. All are significantly younger. But she and Leena will be so cute with those boys, they're so sweet with little ones!

Me-Start work soon, read the rest of the blog!

Cody-Lives in Redmond, and is going to school FT, while his wife works at T-Mobile Corporate across the lake (from Seattle to the upscale Eastside) in Bellevue, they're doing well and enjoying kid-free living for now.

Seth-GOT MARRIED AND DID NOT TELL A FRIKKIN SOUL! I'm not bitter about this, can ya tell?! He moved to Peru because of a girl in March, got there, and married her 4 weeks later. Um. Yeah. I don't know her, never talked to her, don't have her on my Skype. Not to mention there is a gigantic language barrier.

Hillary-My youngest sister and buddy! She's still suck in Rexburg, but she has the summer off to spend with her more than adorable for words son, Uriah. Seriously, I know he's my first nephew, but he's SUPER happy, like, all the time. It's so precious! I love talking to him on the phone and on Skype because he's seriously ALL SMILES! HE's 13ms and sweet as pie! Her husband is an engineering student at BYUI, and she's a music major. They've got another 18ms left there or so =( BOO! Come back to Seattle, geez!

Parents are still in Bermuda and loving it, they're active in church and the community, enjoy their downtime together. They still ride their scooters to and fro, cracks me up! So funny to talk to my mom sometimes when she's got a helmet on!

I'm done blogging for the month, I think!

"Breidi-ness"

Random photos:

HA! Just kidding!